One Saturday, our older son invited us to eat dim sum. It was a slow day at the restaurant. Some servers took the time to chat with the customers.
While taking care of our orders, the server heard my son called me 'mom'. She started a conversation with me about daughters and sons. The server was a Chinese woman in her 30 s.
She said, "Oh! You are his mother! How many children do you have?"
I said, "I have two sons."
She said, "You must be very happy to have sons since most Chinese want to have sons."
I said, "I see no difference in having sons or daughters. If I have a daughter, I would love her just as I love my sons."
She said, "I have two daughters and a son. I love my daughters more. Daughters are better than sons are. You and I are women. You must know our parents always have their place in our hearts. As long as we live, we, the daughters, care about our parents. On the other hand, sons are different. Once a son gets married, he only cares about his wife and his children. I love my daughters more because I know they will take care of me when I am old."
I said, "I am very close to my mother too. However, as a mother, we should love our children no matter they are sons or daughters."
She said, "My son often complains that I love his sisters more than him. My son is young. Once he grows up, I know he will only take care of his own family. I have heard many sad stories affirming that. It is especially so when a son marries a woman who is not a Chinese. In that case, it is like you don't have a son anymore. That is why I love my daughters more."
She began walking away. I reached out and lightly patted her arm.
I said, "Please love your son as you love you daughters. No matter they are male or female, they are our children. Besides, it is not necessary true that sons do not care about the parents."
She said, "No. I will continue to love my daughters more."
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Our sons looked very cute and adorable when they were little. Many women and older couples (mostly Americans) liked to stop us in the streets, stores, and malls so that they could have more time to look at our sons. They asked if our sons were twins, and commented on how adorable they were. They were joyful in seeing us. However, a few woman, after adoring our sons, sighed and said, "Your sons are very handsome, but, it is luckier to have a daughter. Daughters are better than sons." I was happy and content to be a mother. Their words had no effect on me. I responded to what they said with a smile.
Therefore, what the waitress said was not new to me. While many cultures favored male offspring, the view that 'daughters were better than sons' was not that uncommon among women. In life, we often formed a view or drew a conclusion because of what we heard, saw, and experienced. Like the waitress, I had heard some sad stories too.
This story happened many, many years ago in the place I came from. A woman lost her husband when their son was small. She had to work very hard to support herself and her son. (At that time, life was not easy. Nowadays, this place had a good welfare system.) Her son grew up and got married. As with many Chinese families, the wife moved into the place where the man and his mother lived. One day, the son asked his mother to go on a trip. The mother was surprised, but she thought it might be a good idea to leave her home for a while. There had been some disharmony between her and her daughter-in-law.
The mother and son checked into a hotel. After a day or two, the son told his mother he had to go home to take care of something. He said he would be back in a few days to bring her home.
Her son did not return. When she called him, she found out the phone line had been disconnected. Furthermore, she found that her passport and identity card were missing. She remembered seeing her son getting something from her luggage. She realized her son might have intentionally left her there or abandoned her. Soon she did not have the money to pay for the room. The hotel evicted her, and she had to live on the street. At first, the woman did not want others to know what happened because she still loved her son. Eventually, some people learned about her story.
A reporter got a hold of her son. He admitted to abandon his mother because his wife had given him an ultimatum: if he wanted her to stay, he had to get rid of his mother. When asked about the conflict between the two women, he said it was not his mother's fault. However, he could neither afford to have another wife nor rent a separate place for his mother. He said he was sorry for what he did to his mother. It was one of the biggest news stories at that time, and most of the people were disgusted with the heartless son.
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Personally, a few that were dear to my heart had also gone through some heartbroken situations involving their sons. To a greater or lesser degree, their pain in those situations was very much part of my emotional journey too. Therefore, I understood very well why some women felt that way towards sons.
~ to be continued ~
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