She loves her daughters more than her son because ... published on 4/10/2015
Do unto others as you would have others do unto you published on 4/22/2015
Most of us loved others with conditions or expectations. With expectations, we were bound to have some disappointments, pain, and hurt. (Click to view my post If he loves me enough, he would have ...) The waitress loved her daughters more than her son because she thought her daughters would take care of her when she was old. However, who knew how life would unfold? The woman who raised her son by herself after her husband died probably never foresaw her son would abandon her in a place where she knew no one. The parents of the woman who married the TV news anchor most likely did not expect their daughter to cut ties with them after the marriage.
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We all wanted to be happy. We loved others, and hoped others would love us the way we wanted. We wish for harmonious relationships without any conflict, while relationship was one of the most challenging lessons in life.
A talk among girls in my teens had quite an impact on my view of relationships.
One day, we, the girls, sat and talked. A girl talked about her criteria of an ideal husband. Others joined in enthusiastically. One girl said it would be good to meet a man whose parents had died. Then she would not have to deal with the father-in-law and mother-in-law. Another girl said it would even be better if the man had no sibling, or his side of the family had all died. Some girls clapped in delight. They agreed it would be perfect to have such a man as a husband.
What they said troubled me deeply. How could we (the girls) think that way? We were the granddaughters, daughters, sisters, and nieces in our families. We had brothers and uncles. For instance, I was the youngest of three. I had a brother and a sister. I could not imagine my brother marrying a woman who wished that his side of the family had all died! The girls must have forgotten that our grandparents were the in-laws to our parents, i.e. Maternal grandparents were our father's parents-in-law, and paternal grandparents were our mother's parents-in-law. Most of all, it must have not crossed their mind at the time of the talk that someday they would be some one's mother-in-law!
That day I saw how people could become selfish and blind when they thought only of their own happiness in a relationship. I realized a relationship between a man and a woman was not just a relationship between two people for it involved a whole lot of people. A man / a woman automatically became a member of the wife / husband's family; meanwhile, each family was already an extension of many families. People might feel excited when they got married. At the same time, they might have fears too, e.g. fear of change, judgment, and rejection by the new family. If they held preset prejudiced view of the in-laws, they would probably find the relationship as difficult as they had expected.
Furthermore, in this interconnected web of relationships, how each one of us lived one's life had an impact on many more people. For example, a woman had a mean mother-in-law (a matter of speech). She often expressed her frustration, anger, and hatred toward the mother-in-law in front of her children. Another woman was in a similar situation. She knew her children already felt the stress in the family. She did not want to add to their dismay. She treated her mother-in-law with tolerance and patience. She taught her children love. She helped them to pick a birthday cake and gifts for their grandmother. Each woman had a lasting impact on her children more than one could imagine.
Looking back on the talk among girls, I realized the importance of setting a legal age to differentiate adults and those that were underage. The girls might not mean what they said. In their immaturity, they thought the in-laws were the obstacles in their relationship. In a group setting, some people tended to follow along with what others said. That was why one girl said it would be good to meet a man whose parents had died, another girl added her ideas in that direction, and some cheered to conform to the group mentality. The girls might not mean what they said, but the negative view of the in-laws could begin to take hold in their mind. Therefore, it was important for us to pay attention to our thoughts.
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I knew some men had negative view toward the in-laws too. It was not just a woman issue.
On the newspapers and TV, men made jokes about the in-laws. Some men never felt the connection** (or wanted to) with the wife's family. In the TV news anchor's case, he even demanded his wife to cut ties with her family. His story was not common, but not that rare. On the other hand, some men bent over backwards** to please the wife and her family as in the jealous wife case. In time, they had less and less contacts with their side of the family. That was why some mothers felt their sons did not care about them anymore. (**They applied to some women too.)
In my post A Conversation Between Two Grandmothers, my friend made similar comments about her sons while we took walks. My friend thought her sons should call her. Since they rarely did, it meant they did not care about her. The balance of our relationship with others was very delicate. To maintain a relationship, we had to give our share of effort. Sometimes we had to let go of what caused us pain. (Click to view To Let Go Is ...) As I wrote earlier, when we loved with expectations, we were bound to have some pain, hurt, and disappointments. When we loved for the sake of love (i.e. unconditionally), we were in fact setting ourselves free from suffering. However, as humans, it might not be easy for us to understand or to love unconditionally.
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The waitress and some mothers felt sons did not love the parents as daughters did.
In the stories that I had related, we might put all the blame on the sons. However, let us be fair and honest. We, the women (the daughters), were just as responsible for what happened, e.g. the jealous wife and the wife that demanded her husband to get rid of the mother-in-law. In the case of the two sons who were financially well-off, the wives could have eased the situation by taking a stand of kindness, or visiting the father-in-law more often.
Why did bad things happen to good people? Why did loving parents have unloving sons or daughters? How could a very intelligent man fall for a woman who was extremely jealous? Why did some people let others rule over them? How should we look at the heartless son who abandoned his mother in a place where she knew no one?
~ to be continued ~
Link to my next post Sometimes life may not be what it appears to be
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