On Saturday morning (May 24), I woke up from a dream.
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In the dream, I sang a song that I wrote. It was overheard by others. They loved it. There was a plan underway to record it.
Next scene - The recording was in process. Two female singers were supposed to sing the first two parts of the song. They were in a room while I was in another room with four or five friends. I was supposed to sing the last part of the song. I had not intended to sing in the recording. However, it seemed to be important that I, the creator or writer of the song, sang the last part of the song.
The two singers began to sing. Their voices were beautiful. When it was my turn, I could not remember a word. A friend tried to help me by saying the words in a low voice. Her voice was so low that I could not hear. The recording had to start over.
Before the recording started over again, a friend recited the lyrics for me. Somehow, I just could not register the words in the song. I said I needed to see the paper with the lyrics. My friends did not respond because they thought the lyrics were simple and easy to remember. Time after time, I could not recall a single word. I felt very frustrated. I said, "Forget about it! I am not good in singing! I used to get a B in music. It was obvious the teacher did not think I could sing." One time, a friend whispered the words in my ears during recording. It did not work.
The recording went on like this for four or five times. Finally, people decided it was better to call off the recording at least for now. I walked into the other room where the two singers were. I picked up the sheet of paper with lyrics. The words were printed in clear, big letters on a white sheet of paper. I could see the words clearly. Indeed, the words were simple and easy to remember. As I looked at the words, the melody of the song came back to me. I wanted to give it (singing/recording) another try.
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Recording a song I wrote! I even agreed to sing the last part of the song! How unthinkable!
I did not know much about music. Music, arts, and gym classes were unimportant in the schools I went to. I had long forgotten how to read musical notes. While other subjects were graded in points out of a 100, we received A, B, C, and D in these classes which bore no effect in our report card. If I remembered correctly, we did not have music or arts in higher grades.
I loved music. In recent years, I wrote some lyrics to express how I felt. I wrote when I was touched by the Divine or the beauty of nature. I wrote when I heard music in the air or an inspiration came to my mind. I would expand on it. Sometimes it took days or weeks before I felt it was finished. Occasionally, certain situations also moved me to write. I would sing the words until I was satisfied with the tune. It was my way of releasing my emotions. These were my so-called songs.
In the dream, I said I used to get B in music. It was true except in life I was totally okay with the B. Each one of us sang a song in front of the teacher. The teacher then gave us a grade. Most students received B and C. Only a very few who sang exceptional well got an A. I was pretty average in singing, and it was fair I got a B.
As for the extreme kind of panic attack in the dream that my mind went blank, thank goodness it did not happen in my life experiences.
Yes, on certain occasions***, I felt very nervous and anxious. For instance, in my post Our Self-perceived Shortcomings and Disadvantages, I wrote about my lower teeth knocked against the upper teeth making an audible sound to students around me while I waited for my turn for the oral examination. However, in my experiences, no matter how nervous I was, peace and calmness seemed to come over me at the right time. I actually did well. Many times I walked out of the room feeling fortunate and grateful. (***I meant on the occasions that I was not comfortable with. On the whole, I was calm and collected as a child.)
"Record a song I wrote, and I participate in singing it! It will never happen in life," I thought. I let go of the out of nowhere dream with a smile. I sang my so-called songs in the comfort and security of my home. I loved to sing because I found joy in singing, yet I knew very well I was very ordinary in singing.
Later, I walked into the family room. I turned on the television. On the TV screen was a young man talking to a reporter. He said, "It does not matter how other people look at you. You have to change the way you see yourself. It is not easy to change the way we see ourselves. It takes time. In my own experience, it helps to have a friend who works with me to change how I see myself......." (The young man was a popular motivational speaker who had overcome his own negative way of seeing himself.)
It does not matter how other people look at you.
You have to change the way you see yourself.
Immediately, I knew I was meant to hear what he said. It reminded me of what I said in the dream, "I am not good in singing! I used to get a B in music. It was obvious the teacher did not think I could sing."
There was nothing wrong with the B or feeling fine with the grade at that time. What was wrong was I had subconsciously accepted that was who I am - I am not good in singing. That was the way I saw myself in the case of singing all these years. It was truly an aha moment when I heard those words from the young man. I understood then how important it was to prevent a negative view of self from taking hold in my consciousness. I realized when I held onto a negative way of seeing myself, I set limits on what I could accomplish, or what I could be / would be.
In retrospect, it was not only in singing that I had formed a negative view of myself, but in some other areas of my life too. Yeah, there is much work needed to be done, but I will definitely work on changing the way I see myself.
Once I talked to my friend (she is also a teacher to me) about my self imposed limitation or my dependency on my husband to drive me around. With sparkles in her eyes, she said, "That was you then. What does it have to do with the now you? He doesn't want to go where you want to go. You know how to drive. You don't need him. You can go where you want to go."
"That was you then. What does it have to do with the now you?" Let us think about this for a minute. When we realize we are wrong, we can change. We have limitless potentials. We are multi-talented. We are.
Love,
Q of D
There was nothing wrong with the B or feeling fine with the grade at that time. What was wrong was I had subconsciously accepted that was who I am - I am not good in singing. That was the way I saw myself in the case of singing all these years. It was truly an aha moment when I heard those words from the young man. I understood then how important it was to prevent a negative view of self from taking hold in my consciousness. I realized when I held onto a negative way of seeing myself, I set limits on what I could accomplish, or what I could be / would be.
In retrospect, it was not only in singing that I had formed a negative view of myself, but in some other areas of my life too. Yeah, there is much work needed to be done, but I will definitely work on changing the way I see myself.
Once I talked to my friend (she is also a teacher to me) about my self imposed limitation or my dependency on my husband to drive me around. With sparkles in her eyes, she said, "That was you then. What does it have to do with the now you? He doesn't want to go where you want to go. You know how to drive. You don't need him. You can go where you want to go."
"That was you then. What does it have to do with the now you?" Let us think about this for a minute. When we realize we are wrong, we can change. We have limitless potentials. We are multi-talented. We are.
Love,
Q of D
