Favoritism and the repeat of a cycle that caused pain and hurt

Greetings!

We all come into a lifetime with pre-existing conditions such as who our grandparents, parents, and siblings are.  How they live their lives or their reactions to life situations will eventually be part of our experiences.  Here is a story to show how our experiences are so closely intertwined.

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Mr. Ko got a call from a school counselor who told him that his daughter, Christina, had been crying in school.  Christina said between sobs that she did not want to live anymore.  The counselor was alarmed and deeply concerned.  She asked Mr. Ko to come in for a meeting.

Mr. Ko immediately called a relative.  He asked if she could go to the school with him because he did not know much English.  The relative said yes.  Mr. Ko picked her up, and then drove to the school.

 
The relative and her husband were a generation older than Mrs. and Mr. Ko.  Her English was not good too.  She had honestly told those that asked for her help that her English was not sufficient.  However, they said that it was not easy to find someone who would go with them for visits to the hospitals, doctor's office, and governmental offices because those trips easily took a few hours to almost a day.  Over the years, she had accompanied quite a few on those trips.  It might be she was always willing to help, and never asked for anything in return.

The counselor greeted Mr. Ko and the relative as they walked into the office.  The teenage girl shot a quick look at her father.  It was a look of anger, yet more of hurt and pain.  Her eyes were red and swollen.  Quickly, the relative walked forward and reached out for her hands.  Christina was surprised.  She did not notice someone had come with her father.  Tears ran down her face.  She held tightly onto the relative's hands even after the meeting was over.

In the school office, Christina said her grandparents and parents strongly favored her younger brother who got whatever he wanted.  Meanwhile, she got all the blame and scolding.  Sometimes her mother scolded her for hours and would not stop.  She felt her parents did not love her at all.  Christina said, "It is so unfair! I have enough of it. I cannot take it anymore!"  Mr. Ko confirmed that his wife might nag too much at times, but they did love Christina.  He said Christina was upset because they did not let her go to a concert last weekend.  The counselor asked Mr. Ko if he would let Christina see a psychologist for an evaluation.  She also asked if he and his wife would go for family therapy if the psychologist recommended it.  Mr. Ko said 'yes'.

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The last time the relative saw Christina was about 8 years ago.   By then the two families seldom visited one another because they did not live nearby.  One day, Mr. Ko brought Christina to their place, and asked if his daughter could stay there for a couple of days.  He said Christina kept throwing temper tantrums at home; Christina though small was very headstrong, and would not give in when her mother punished her.  He wanted them to take care of her so that the mother and daughter could cool down.

Christina was a happy little girl during her stay.  The relative found her to be quite intelligent too.  She could read books beyond her age level.  When Christina's mother came to pick her up, the relative gladly told her the good she saw in Christina.  However, Mrs. Ko did not seem to want to hear that.  Instead, she scolded Christina and kept sending her to time-outs.  She related the negative incidents about her daughter.  Hearing what her mother said of her, the little girl was hurt and embarrassed.  Before they left, Mrs. Ko put her hands on Christina's shoulders with force, and asked if she wanted to come to the relative's place again.  With tears in her eyes, Christina muttered 'no'.

Seeing the insecurity in Mrs. Ko, the relative knew she could only pray for Christina.  Soon she and her husband had to move to another state.  Before they moved, they went to see Mr. Ko.  Tactfully, they shared their view of raising children, and put in some good words for Christina.

After some years, the relative and her husband moved back to the state.  The school office visit was the first time she saw Christina again.  She could barely recognize Christina.  The little girl she knew was now taller than she was.  Later that day, she was shocked to learn the teenage girl had been cutting herself in the arms and legs for quite some time.  It was her way of coping with the pain inside.

Favoritism was indeed the cause of conflicts, separation, hatred, anger, suffering, and immeasurable pain in many families.

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Now let us examine the life experiences of Mr. and Mrs. Ko, and see how they were connected to Christina's.

Christina's paternal grandparents lived in the village most of their lives before moving to USA.  They had gone through some tough times especially during the political turmoil in China.  They held the view that male offspring was the manpower in the family as well as the one who carried on the family name; whereas a female offspring would one day be a member of another family or other family's wife and mother. They had three sons and a daughter.  They scolded their only daughter a lot, and showed no love towards her.

Mr. Ko was the youngest among his siblings.  According to Mr. Ko, his brothers who were 9 and 12 years older than him did not care about him.  Instead, they laughed at him all the time.  Mr. Ko said his mother was very selfish.  She never showed any affection towards him, but favored a brother who was always mean to him.  Now in his late 40 s, Mr. Ko was still quite emotional whenever he talked about his childhood.  He felt he was unloved as a child.

With almost ten years apart between him and his brothers, it was possible his family saw him as a burden instead of work force when he was young.

Mr. Ko's wife, Bing, was the middle child in her family.  She had an older sister and a younger brother.  When her sister was born, her parents wanted to keep their jobs, and sent their first born to live with the maternal grandparents.  The grandparents loved and treasured their first grandchild.  As a result, Bing felt they loved her older sister much more than her.  Her younger brother was the favorite of the family.  Bing did not hold any bad feelings towards her brother.  She accepted a son was more important than a daughter was.  Whenever Bing talked about the years before she got married, she said she was the one who had to do all the chores in her house.  She was jealous of her older sister who seldom had to do any household chore.  She felt she was the least loved among her siblings.

Bing said her father was very strict.  He occasionally scolded them (or Bing only) in front of other relatives and friends.  She hated it when it happened.  She said her father was very wrong to embarrass them that way.

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When Christina and her brother were small, their grandparents babysat them so that their parents could go to work.  They treated Christina and her brother as how they had treated their own children.  They greatly favored the boy, and scolded little Christina for whatever wrong in the house.  Christina was small and did not know how to defend herself.  She reacted by crying or throwing temper tantrums which got her into even more trouble.

A few years later, Bing worked the night shift.  She watched over the children during daytime, and her husband did that at night.  However, there was not much improvement in the harmony of the family as Christina continued to live in the unresolved pain of her parents past experiences.

Both Mr. and Mrs. Ko felt unloved growing up.  They were hurt and angry when their parents strongly favored a sibling over them.  Their pain was deep.  They seemed to move on in their lives, but their feelings of hurt, anger, and pain were not resolved or healed.  Sadly, they repeated the cycle when they became parents themselves.  They too favored one child over another, and inflicted tremendous pain on the neglected one.  Bing hated it when her father scolded her in front of other relatives.  As a mother, she did the same to her daughter without realizing how wrong she had felt the action was.

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The story of the Ko family is not representative of other Chinese families.  I have learned people in some other cultures favor the sons too.  Over the years, I also hear and read about other stories of extreme favoritism in the family.  I learn people favor a certain child or discriminate against a child for all sort of reasons, and a lot of times it has nothing to do with the gender.  For example, a family greatly favors a daughter because the family prospers after she is born.

Earth is a school.  Each one of us comes into a family with its own unique composition or setting.  We do not see the big picture, and sometimes we feel overwhelmed of the situations in life.  It may help to remember we can choose how to live our lives or how to react to the situations.  We can begin by asking ourselves questions such as 'does it help me to stay in pain (or anger, hurt, guilt, shame, stress, etc.).  If it does not, we should try to let it go.  We can always pray for help to release those feelings.  As my spirit guide tells me that 'I feel pain because I let pain be', and 'I can choose to be happy no matter what'.

As human beings, it is natural we feel close to some people, and not so close to others.  For instance, I have a relative who have two boys and three girls.  She is very close to a daughter who looks like her.  Though she may have loved that daughter more, she does not treat her any differently than the rest of her children.  She takes good care of all her children.  Parenting is a very important job.  We should be conscious of our actions and their effects on our children.  When we keep in mind the connectedness of our experiences, we will be more mindful of our thought and actions.  In life, we all make mistakes now and then; however, it is never too late to change / adjust our views as well as the way we handle our relationships / situations.

With hope and faith, may we break the cycle of favoritism, and make a commitment not to pass onto others our past pain, hurt, anger, or other unwholesome feelings.

Love and Peace,
Q of D

P.S.  If you have time, please click to view To forgive is first and most of all for the good of ourselves and You feel pain because you let pain be .

A Strange Conversation with a Professor

Greetings!

I woke up remembering a strange conversation during a chance meeting.

Since I stepped out of my comfort zone to socialize with people, I had quite a few strange encounters.  I was more of a listener or an observer than one who was quick to ask questions.  During those unexpected encounters, I felt unsettled as he or she walked away.  In most cases, we never met again.

I was at church that day.  As usual, I sat near the back.  During the service, I walked to the front of the chapel to light a candle for my husband.  I said a short prayer and gave thanks to the Ascended Masters.  At the end, I said, "May the Grace of God shine through to each one of us.  Amen."

Later, a pastor introduced this Sunday's speaker, an American woman in her 40 s.  I realized I had seen her walked in with an American man earlier.  The speaker was a psychic medium, a spiritual teacher, a writer, a therapist and workshop facilitator.  Her life story was quite interesting.  As expected, many in the congregation surrounded her after service was over because people liked to talk to psychics and mediums.   

I did not leave the church right away as I normally did.  At that time, I was somewhat new to the church and the church to me.  I only knew a few people at church.  Before the service, a friend had asked me to stay behind so that she could talk to me.  I saw my friend was busy talking to other people.  I waited by the window.  Unexpectedly, some people came to me.  They said tears filled their eyes when I said the prayer.  A woman said she and her husband cried as I talked.  It might be the words from my heart had touched their hearts.  All I could do was to look at them with love and gratitude.

A while later, I was surprised that the American man who walked in with the speaker was standing next to me.  He asked if I was born in XX and raised in XX.  I answered yes to both questions.  I found his questions strange.  I guessed it might be he heard my accent when I said the prayer.  He told me his name.  He said he was a professor at  XX university, a university in the place that I came from.  (As I had mentioned, I only finished high school and had never attended college.)  He said he had written some book.  Then, he said, "You have read one of my books."  I thought I must have heard it wrong.  He mentioned the title of the book.  The title sounded unfamiliar.  I said, "No, I have not read that book."  Strangely, he seemed to be sure that I had read his book.

He began to talk to me in Cantonese, the Chinese language that I spoke.  He spoke Cantonese fluently.  He told me his wife was a Chinese from Shanghai who now taught in the same university as he did.  He said I might have read about their wedding on the Chinese newspapers.  He told me his Chinese name and his wife's name.  I got the impression that they were known among the Chinese there.  I told him I did not recall reading about their wedding on the Chinese newspapers.  He wanted to talk some more, but my friend came.  She did not realize the man had been talking to me.  She kept talking, and he walked away.

A while later, some friends and I talked near the back of the chapel.  I saw the speaker walked in our direction from the front of the church.  As she walked, people stopped her every now and then to talk to her.  Suddenly, I 'got' that she came for me!  She talked to the friends that stood before me for a brief second.  She came and gave me a hug.  I felt very peaceful as we hugged.  It was a long embrace.  As we parted, she said, "What a sweet spirit!  I could have stayed in your energy forever."

When I was home, I thought about the strange conversation with the professor.

Suddenly, it came to me that I had indeed read that book.  I was in the library, and a thin, thin book tucked between books caught my attention.  It was a book about death and spirits.  At home, I was surprised to learn the author (an American) lived in the place that I came from.  In the book, he wrote about his many visits to local fortunetellers and mediums.  He wrote at length about a medium, an old Chinese woman that had accurately described some of the events that happened to him in the past.  She knew things about the author's brother whom she had never met.  (His brother lived in U.S.A.)  She told him about future events too.  The author wrote the old woman refused to see him when he went there for a second visit.  There were always people waiting in a room for a chance to talk to the medium.  He eventually got to talk to the medium again because of his persistence. 

The professor said he had written some books, yet insisted that I had read that particular book.  How did he know?  The professor must be either very intuitive or had heard about our chance meeting through the old Chinese woman ahead of time.  I also kind of remembered reading about their marriage on the Chinese newspapers.  At the time, I did not pay much attention since I did not know them.

I did not know why I recalled this incident at this time.  I did not think I would meet the speaker or the professor again since I had moved out of that state.  Occasionally, I wondered if it was simply my personality at work that I did not ask questions when it happened.  In other words, I should have asked others why they said this or that.  Or, it was in divine order that I did not ask for answers because sometimes those chance encounters were but trigger points for me to seek the truth within.

Life is a mystery.  I am seeking just as you are (or most of you).

Love,
Q of D  

All in One and One in All

Greetings!

I would like to share with you two dreams.  I had the dreams one after the other in the same night some years ago.  When I woke up, I realized they had the same theme which I would explain later in the post.

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I stood in front of a female author.  I asked about the cost of her book.  She said it was $13.75.  It was a good book.  I gave her $25, $20 for the book and $5 as my way of thanking her.  She signed on the cover of the book.  The color of the cover was orange-peach with a tint of red.

Later I saw what she wrote on the cover was kind of strange.  Normally, the author addressed the reader first or put the name of the reader on the top as that of a letter, and signed her name on the bottom.  However, on the cover, I saw my name on the bottom as if I was the author.

The next scene in the dream - I washed the cover with water until the words were removed.

A man saw me holding the book.  He asked to borrow it after I finished reading it.  I said, "Yes."  I said it was a good book.

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In a restaurant, the three of us (a cook, a waiter, and a waitress) sat at a table in the dining room.  Two men dressed in expensive suits stood by our table.  They were customers who were there to place orders.  They were very demanding and particular in how they wanted their food.  At one point, one of them made a rude judgmental comment.  I stood up and asked them to follow me to the outside.  Though they were reluctant, they did as I asked.

We walked past the manager.  Outside of the dining room, there were 4 booths along one side of the wall.  I asked them to sit down in the last booth.  Standing in front of them, I began lecturing them about life, judgment, and so on.  In the dream, somehow they had to listen, and I wasn't harsh as I talked.  At the end, I said, "Now go inside and eat with a heart of gratitude.  Food would only taste good if you eat with a heart of gratitude."  They stood up and went back to the dining room.

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Upon waking up, this came to my mind.

The boundary between author and reader or customer and waitress was very blurry in the dreams.

In the first dream, the one who bought the book found her name on the bottom of the cover as if she was the author, while the author signed her name as if she was the reader.  In the second dream, the two well-dressed customers were standing while the servers (cook, waiter, and waitress) sat at a table in the dining room.  In life's setting, it was the opposite.

I realized the dreams had the same theme, and these words came to me -

                                                  All in One and One in All.  

The act of washing the words from the cover symbolized that it was not important who the author or the reader was.  They were two yet one.  I should look at others in the dreams as myself,  i.e. the author was me, the waiter was me, the customer was me, and so on.  In other words, the one who lectured about life should see herself in the one who was being lectured as well.  With this understanding, we knew not to judge but adjust our view and attitude.  With this understanding, we could look at situations or others in our lives with discernment and/or compassion.  Sometimes when we saw something was wrong be it our own doing or others, it was but a cause for the wholesome thought to come through and put into action.  (If you may, please click to view the post What if you are at the RECEIVING END of your own WRATH? which was also about our oneness.)

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We don't come into being from nowhere (All in One).  There is divinity in you and me (One in All).  It is for us to seek and turn within to find out who we truly are.  With our ego or deluded mind, it is not easy to look at others with discernment or compassion consistently.  Seeing the chaos around us, sometimes we may feel life is senseless or meaningless.  It may help to remind ourselves from time to time that we are not just the human beings we appear to be.  'Food would only taste good if we eat with a heart of gratitude' and 'life is more meaningful if we live with a heart of gratitude'.

Peace,
Q of D

P. S.  The human I felt "All is One and One in All" sounded right, but "All in One and One in All' was what I wrote down in the journal.