We all come into a lifetime with pre-existing conditions such as who our grandparents, parents, and siblings are. How they live their lives or their reactions to life situations will eventually be part of our experiences. Here is a story to show how our experiences are so closely intertwined.
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Mr. Ko got a call from a school counselor who told him that his daughter, Christina, had been crying in school. Christina said between sobs that she did not want to live anymore. The counselor was alarmed and deeply concerned. She asked Mr. Ko to come in for a meeting.
Mr. Ko immediately called a relative. He asked if she could go to the school with him because he did not know much English. The relative said yes. Mr. Ko picked her up, and then drove to the school.
The relative and her husband were a generation older than Mrs. and Mr. Ko. Her English was not good too. She had honestly told those that asked for her help that her English was not sufficient. However, they said that it was not easy to find someone who would go with them for visits to the hospitals, doctor's office, and governmental offices because those trips easily took a few hours to almost a day. Over the years, she had accompanied quite a few on those trips. It might be she was always willing to help, and never asked for anything in return.
The counselor greeted Mr. Ko and the relative as they walked into the office. The teenage girl shot a quick look at her father. It was a look of anger, yet more of hurt and pain. Her eyes were red and swollen. Quickly, the relative walked forward and reached out for her hands. Christina was surprised. She did not notice someone had come with her father. Tears ran down her face. She held tightly onto the relative's hands even after the meeting was over.
In the school office, Christina said her grandparents and parents strongly favored her younger brother who got whatever he wanted. Meanwhile, she got all the blame and scolding. Sometimes her mother scolded her for hours and would not stop. She felt her parents did not love her at all. Christina said, "It is so unfair! I have enough of it. I cannot take it anymore!" Mr. Ko confirmed that his wife might nag too much at times, but they did love Christina. He said Christina was upset because they did not let her go to a concert last weekend. The counselor asked Mr. Ko if he would let Christina see a psychologist for an evaluation. She also asked if he and his wife would go for family therapy if the psychologist recommended it. Mr. Ko said 'yes'.
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The last time the relative saw Christina was about 8 years ago. By then the two families seldom visited one another because they did not live nearby. One day, Mr. Ko brought Christina to their place, and asked if his daughter could stay there for a couple of days. He said Christina kept throwing temper tantrums at home; Christina though small was very headstrong, and would not give in when her mother punished her. He wanted them to take care of her so that the mother and daughter could cool down.
Christina was a happy little girl during her stay. The relative found her to be quite intelligent too. She could read books beyond her age level. When Christina's mother came to pick her up, the relative gladly told her the good she saw in Christina. However, Mrs. Ko did not seem to want to hear that. Instead, she scolded Christina and kept sending her to time-outs. She related the negative incidents about her daughter. Hearing what her mother said of her, the little girl was hurt and embarrassed. Before they left, Mrs. Ko put her hands on Christina's shoulders with force, and asked if she wanted to come to the relative's place again. With tears in her eyes, Christina muttered 'no'.
Seeing the insecurity in Mrs. Ko, the relative knew she could only pray for Christina. Soon she and her husband had to move to another state. Before they moved, they went to see Mr. Ko. Tactfully, they shared their view of raising children, and put in some good words for Christina.
After some years, the relative and her husband moved back to the state. The school office visit was the first time she saw Christina again. She could barely recognize Christina. The little girl she knew was now taller than she was. Later that day, she was shocked to learn the teenage girl had been cutting herself in the arms and legs for quite some time. It was her way of coping with the pain inside.
Favoritism was indeed the cause of conflicts, separation, hatred, anger, suffering, and immeasurable pain in many families.
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Now let us examine the life experiences of Mr. and Mrs. Ko, and see how they were connected to Christina's.
Christina's paternal grandparents lived in the village most of their lives before moving to USA. They had gone through some tough times especially during the political turmoil in China. They held the view that male offspring was the manpower in the family as well as the one who carried on the family name; whereas a female offspring would one day be a member of another family or other family's wife and mother. They had three sons and a daughter. They scolded their only daughter a lot, and showed no love towards her.
Mr. Ko was the youngest among his siblings. According to Mr. Ko, his brothers who were 9 and 12 years older than him did not care about him. Instead, they laughed at him all the time. Mr. Ko said his mother was very selfish. She never showed any affection towards him, but favored a brother who was always mean to him. Now in his late 40 s, Mr. Ko was still quite emotional whenever he talked about his childhood. He felt he was unloved as a child.
With almost ten years apart between him and his brothers, it was possible his family saw him as a burden instead of work force when he was young.
Mr. Ko's wife, Bing, was the middle child in her family. She had an older sister and a younger brother. When her sister was born, her parents wanted to keep their jobs, and sent their first born to live with the maternal grandparents. The grandparents loved and treasured their first grandchild. As a result, Bing felt they loved her older sister much more than her. Her younger brother was the favorite of the family. Bing did not hold any bad feelings towards her brother. She accepted a son was more important than a daughter was. Whenever Bing talked about the years before she got married, she said she was the one who had to do all the chores in her house. She was jealous of her older sister who seldom had to do any household chore. She felt she was the least loved among her siblings.
Bing said her father was very strict. He occasionally scolded them (or Bing only) in front of other relatives and friends. She hated it when it happened. She said her father was very wrong to embarrass them that way.
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When Christina and her brother were small, their grandparents babysat them so that their parents could go to work. They treated Christina and her brother as how they had treated their own children. They greatly favored the boy, and scolded little Christina for whatever wrong in the house. Christina was small and did not know how to defend herself. She reacted by crying or throwing temper tantrums which got her into even more trouble.
A few years later, Bing worked the night shift. She watched over the children during daytime, and her husband did that at night. However, there was not much improvement in the harmony of the family as Christina continued to live in the unresolved pain of her parents past experiences.
Both Mr. and Mrs. Ko felt unloved growing up. They were hurt and angry when their parents strongly favored a sibling over them. Their pain was deep. They seemed to move on in their lives, but their feelings of hurt, anger, and pain were not resolved or healed. Sadly, they repeated the cycle when they became parents themselves. They too favored one child over another, and inflicted tremendous pain on the neglected one. Bing hated it when her father scolded her in front of other relatives. As a mother, she did the same to her daughter without realizing how wrong she had felt the action was.
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The story of the Ko family is not representative of other Chinese families. I have learned people in some other cultures favor the sons too. Over the years, I also hear and read about other stories of extreme favoritism in the family. I learn people favor a certain child or discriminate against a child for all sort of reasons, and a lot of times it has nothing to do with the gender. For example, a family greatly favors a daughter because the family prospers after she is born.
Earth is a school. Each one of us comes into a family with its own unique composition or setting. We do not see the big picture, and sometimes we feel overwhelmed of the situations in life. It may help to remember we can choose how to live our lives or how to react to the situations. We can begin by asking ourselves questions such as 'does it help me to stay in pain (or anger, hurt, guilt, shame, stress, etc.). If it does not, we should try to let it go. We can always pray for help to release those feelings. As my spirit guide tells me that 'I feel pain because I let pain be', and 'I can choose to be happy no matter what'.
As human beings, it is natural we feel close to some people, and not so close to others. For instance, I have a relative who have two boys and three girls. She is very close to a daughter who looks like her. Though she may have loved that daughter more, she does not treat her any differently than the rest of her children. She takes good care of all her children. Parenting is a very important job. We should be conscious of our actions and their effects on our children. When we keep in mind the connectedness of our experiences, we will be more mindful of our thought and actions. In life, we all make mistakes now and then; however, it is never too late to change / adjust our views as well as the way we handle our relationships / situations.
With hope and faith, may we break the cycle of favoritism, and make a commitment not to pass onto others our past pain, hurt, anger, or other unwholesome feelings.
Love and Peace,
Q of D
P.S. If you have time, please click to view To forgive is first and most of all for the good of ourselves and You feel pain because you let pain be .
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