Greetings!
About a week ago, I felt tired in the afternoon. So I took a nap. Strangely, some thought came to me as I woke up. I would tell you what happened later in the post.
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Some years ago, I attended a workshop facilitated by a scholastically acclaimed young man. He was a good facilitator. The audience responded enthusiastically throughout the gathering. With about 15 minutes left on the schedule, he asked us to say an affirmation that came to us because of our participation in the workshop; we might also speak something that we felt inspired to share. He said it was voluntary, and it was quite alright if someone chose not to participate. Hearing that, I said in my heart 'Good! I don't have to speak!' I seldom spoke up in gatherings because my English was not good.
A man spoke first. Another man who sat at one end of the room followed. Across the room, a woman voiced her inspirational thought. Randomly, people stood up and spoke. There were many people at the workshop. It seemed everyone wanted to participate (or almost everyone since I didn't). The sharing went on for a long time. I sat there peacefully listening to their words. The room gradually became quiet as everybody had his or her turn. We turned to look at the facilitator. We waited for him to speak.
However, he did not say anything. He sat there looking straight in one direction, or more accurately, I found him looking right at me! Dismissing that he was looking at me, I looked to my left and right. Then I looked back at him. There he was, staring at me without saying a word. I thought there was no way he could have noticed that I had not spoken since people in the room spoke up randomly. Minutes went by like hours as he continued to stare at me in silence. Luckily, all the eyes were on him (the facilitator) for people were waiting for him to speak. Some more time passed. From the serious look on his face, I knew this young man would not budge until I did my part of sharing. I relented. I opened my mouth, and spoke for a short while. Then and only then, he moved on to the last part of the gathering.
When the event was over, a few people came to thank me for what I said. I did not recall what I said, and they were probably some simple words from my heart. On that day, I had wondered how the facilitator could have noticed that I had not spoken up.
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The incident was not on my mind at all before I took the nap. However, as I was waking up from the nap, I 'got' that 'I was the only Chinese there', and was reminded of the incident. It was then I realized the facilitator easily recognized that I had not spoken because I was the only Chinese there. With this realization, my old view of my shortcomings and disadvantages came to my mind. I understood it was no accident that I recalled all of these at this time.
Before I came to USA, I seldom needed to speak in English. In my time, our teachers did most of the talking in class. We did not have public speaking class. We never had to present a book report in front of our classmates as our sons did. Some of my classmates were much better in English than me. They went to religious or private elementary schools, and learned English since preschool or first grade. I began learning simple English words such as a man and a pan in 4th grade. The teacher did not teach us pronunciation. In secondary school, I had a hard time remembering the words especially words with many letters.
In order to get a passing grade or above in English in the official secondary school diploma, we had to take an oral exam. in additional to the written tests. Students were scheduled to go to different schools for the oral exam. Three teachers (not teachers of our own school) would ask some questions to start a conversation with the student to see how well she was in spoken English. I still remembered my lower teeth knocked against my upper teeth making sounds audible to students standing near me while I lined up waiting for my turn to enter the examination room. That was how nervous I was. It was a good thing I recalled what happened with a laugh, and, with compassion.
When I came to USA, I knew my English was insufficient. However, as much as I did not want to, I had to speak on behalf of my family. My husband had only a few years of education, and he did not learn English. Things changed for the better when I became a mother. As I tried to figure out how to teach our sons, I suddenly realized English was not as hard as it seemed. Still, my English was far from good. My vocabulary was very limited. Many times I could not express what I wanted to say. I had an accent, and could not speak fluently.
Nine years ago, I stepped out of my comfort zone to mix with people as guided. I went to spiritual gatherings, and eventually attended church services regularly. Most of the time, I was the only Chinese. When I was told to learn a healing art, I did not follow for I could not envision a Chinese woman working in energy healing in a western culture. I also did not think I could teach or write for 'my English was not good'. For years, I regarded my English as my shortcoming, and 'a Chinese woman in a western culture' as a disadvantage.
A few years ago, the words of a wonderful channel (he was not a psychic) gave me a new perspective of my self-perceived shortcoming and disadvantage. I learned that it was by design I did not have the mastery of English so that I taught by simply being who I was and not by lofty words. As a Chinese woman in a western culture, some people were drawn to me because they wanted to know more about me while others reached out to me thinking I needed help. It was through these interactions that people might receive what they most needed to be healed without knowing that healing had taken place. I knew the words that came through were true. On many occasions, healing did occur even though the recipient might or might not be aware.
I had not gone to any church or gathering for some months. Old thinking and living patterns died hard. Sometimes my wrong view still crossed my mind like a shadow, and gave me an excuse not to do what I should do. I understood why I recalled all of these at this time. I needed to keep working on eradicating my wrong views.
In love, I share with you my experiences. My friends, do you have any self-perceived shortcomings and disadvantages? It may be you should re-examine your view. We do not come into a lifetime by chance. Our appearances, the personalities we take on, and every aspect of our life are carefully designed. Sometimes our shortcomings and disadvantages may be gifts or blessings in disguise. We just do not see the big picture. Sometimes our shortcomings may be something for us to work on in this lifetime. For example, if we get angry easily, we need to work on controlling our temper; we have to look deep within to find the source of our anger, and change. Let us give ourselves a chance, and don't waste the opportunity to overcome.
Love and blessings,
Q of D
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