Pay Attention to Our Reactions!

Greetings!

I walked past my son who was using his android.  Right after, I burst out laughing.

My son asked, "Why are you laughing?"

I said, "It is because I just realize I look back at you with the same kind of look that you look at me!"

He said, "What do you mean?  How did I look at you?"

I said, "It is hard to describe.  It was a look with some sort of intimidation and annoyance as if saying 'hey, don't look at me' or 'leave me alone'.  When you are doing something, sometimes you question us (his dad and me) why we look at you.  I say we see with our eyes, we look anywhere, and your eyes happen to meet ours.  You accept what I say, and resume to what you do.  I have noticed sometimes you look at others with that kind of look too.  For instance, when we are in a mall or walk on the street, you tighten your muscles and walk with an intimidating look.  I believe it is your way of showing others that you are strong and you are there to protect me."

He said, "Can you act as if you were me and show me how I look at others?"

For the next minute of two, I tried to act like him such as stood up tall and tightened up my upper and lower arm muscles as I walked past him.  I tried to glare at him from the corner of my eyes with an intimidating look.  Time after time, I failed and ended up laughing.  It took me a while to conjure up a serious look with a bit of anger. 

My son said, "So you think my way of looking at others is negative."

I said, "Well . . . to me, it is.  Before I walked past you, it came to me that you would probably give me that kind of look.  When you did, I thought 'hey, don't look at me like that!', and I looked back at you with the same negative emotion.  With that negative feeling, my body tensed up for a second.  Right then, I realized I had reacted to the way you acted.  I laughed because I found my reaction laughable.  I realized I did not have to judge or react to how you looked at me at all!"

My son said, "But, how I stand up for myself works for me.  You have not experienced what I experienced.  In school, others had bullied us (he and his brother).  You did not go through what we had gone through."

I said, "You and your brother seemed to be happy when you were young.  We talked, shared / created stories, and watched movies.  You played with your friends that lived nearby.  However, I observed both of you sometimes liked to keep things to yourself particularly you.  When I asked 'how's your day' or 'how's school', you never said much.  When you two were small, a few bigger boys or teenagers bullied you because we were new in that neighborhood.  I took note of where they lived and talked to the office manager.  I met with their parents, and those boys did not dare to do it again.  Your brother had once asked for my permission to beat up a bully (or bullies).  Of course, I said no.  We talked.  He did not want me to talk to his teacher or the school.  He might not know it, but when classes were over, I had walked over to the school to make sure he was safe.  As for you, you never talked about being bullied.  In middle school, you were of average height as other Chinese boys, but was smaller than most of the American students.  I knew some people liked to pick on those that were smaller than they were.  I was relieved that your teachers said you were well liked.  It might be I should have asked you if others had bullied you, but you did not talk much except if you wanted to.  When you insisted on taking power training class in high school, I totally understood why.  As you know, I had stood up for you and your brother on other occasions.  If you had told me about the bullying in school, I would have handled it.  It is true I did not know how others had bullied you.  If you want to talk about it now, I am open to listen.  As far as I know, people bully others because they do not feel good about themselves." 

My son said, "Mom, there are bad people.  You may not believe that.  Many people see Chinese as small and weak.  There had been times people tried to bully me.  For instance, they intentionally followed me and parked their car next to mine.  They laughed when they got out of their car.  When I got out of my car, they saw how I looked.  They kept their eyes on the ground and walked away quietly.  It certainly helps that I get into bodybuilding."

I said, "I know it helps.  However, with your personality, bodybuilding can give you a false sense of superiority and security.  I know there are people with bad intentions.  I pay attention to my surroundings, but I do not walk with fear . . . . . ."

My son and I had a long conversation that day because of my reaction to the way he looked at me.

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A few days later, we brought our car to an auto shop for an oil change and tire rotation.  While I was waiting, I picked up a book "Imagine, Color & Create Patterns - Free your creativity".  Besides patterns, the book included some quotes of wisdom.  Below was one of the quotes.

     Your problem isn't the problem.  Your reaction is the problem.  (Anonymous)

How true!  It reminded me of my first reaction to the way my son looked at me.  Luckily, in this case, I realized right away I did not have to react or judge his emotion.  With peace, my son and I had a good conversation.

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Situations are the norm of life.  Sometimes we may see them as big problems or challenges.  How we react to each situation is indeed very important.  Let us pay attention to our reactions, and let not our reactions become the problem or add to a problem.  May calmness, peace and love come through to guide us in all that we face or do.  Amen. 

   
Love and Blessings,
Q of D