Greetings!
On the 6th day after my husband died, a relative called. He said, "Tomorrow is the seventh day. In our tradition, it is called the first 7th day. I believe you must have heard about it." I answered, "Yes. I have heard about it." He said, "So . . . . you do know what to do tomorrow, don't you?" I said, "I heard the term before, but knew nothing about it. Can you tell me what I am supposed to do?" He paused for a while, and said, "Since you don't know the tradition, never mind . . . " And, he hung up. He was a younger generation on my husband's side. He was the relative that I had mentioned in some of my posts.
After the phone call, I pondered what to do. I did not want to call the relative or others to ask about the custom. Some Chinese were not that comfortable with the word 'death'. I was not someone who thought we must do things this way or that way. I believed our intention mattered the most in whatever we did. I decided to simply burn some incense sticks at night on the 7th day, and talked to the divine as well as my husband / his spirit.
Nowadays we could use the Internet to find information on almost anything. At the time, I did not feel like doing that.
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The day my husband died was an up and down day.
My husband felt very ill, but his next appointment was several weeks away. During his last visit to the clinic, his stomach was extremely bloated. He was thin and weak. However, he did not cough, had no problem breathing, and did not have a fever. His blood pressure and heart beat were normal. The doctor wanted him to go to a hospital for Ab scans. The doctor said we would receive a green envelope in the mail within a week instructing us which hospital he should go to for the scans. Eight days went by, we did not receive the letter. We called the clinic about the letter. We also told the clinic my husband felt very sick, and asked if the doctor could see him as soon as possible. We were relieved that the doctor would see him the next day. Our hope was up. We did not know everything would change within the next few hours. That evening we heard a loud, loud sound as that of an explosion coming from my husband's body. My husband died soon after arriving at the hospital. In fact, I believed his soul had left his physical body before the ambulance arrived. I might share about it in later days. The green envelope arrived one month and three days after my husband died. Every procedure needed to be preapproved; approval took time, and that was the way insurance worked.
When my older son and I went back to the apartment, it was late night. We were physically and mentally exhausted, yet we could not sleep. My younger son drove back to be with his family.
Early next morning, my younger son came. He and his brother had to make some calls to find a burial lot for their father and other matters to this regard.
After we moved back to this state, my younger son had asked us to plan ahead in case we died. He was particularly concerned about his father because he had been hospitalized twice. I agreed that planning ahead might save money and time. My husband did not feel the need to do that. He said, "If it happens, I am dead. Why should I care about it? It is sons' responsibility to take care and pay for everything if I die. I do feel cremation is cruel even though it may cost less." In retrospect, my husband might have some fear about death. During and after the restaurant business, he never found peace. He felt bitter toward life, and occasionally expressed it outward to those around him.
Sometimes we failed to see the good in others when we held onto what others should do (for us) and should not do. (Re WHAT DO YOU HEAR? ) We did not realize our sufferings, such as feeling angry and bitter, were at times our own doing because we reacted to situations in the same pattern that we were used to. When we dwelt in negativity, our mind was clouded and our heart was closed. It was hard for us to feel love, recieve love or give love. I used we because I was of no exception. I had my share of lessons.
When my older son was on the phone asking for the price of a burial lot, there was a lot of static. Afterward, I said it might be their father wanted to tell us that he was not against cremation anymore. My husband was always very concerned about money. As his wife, I knew he probably had changed his mind. A loved one said, "Too late, Dad. You had told us what you wanted, and that is what we would do."
Later, we drove to the office of a cemetery. My younger son offered to drive. He knew his older brother was tired. Indeed, my older son fell asleep in the car for a while. It was a long drive (in my view only.)
Sitting at the back of the car, my heart was filled with gratitude. From my experience the night before, I knew the divine had answered my prayer, and my husband did not fall into the lower worlds. (I might explain in later posts.) My English was not good. Sometimes people had difficulty listening to me on the phone. Though my loved ones had gifted me a GPS device, I did not go out much. Looking at my sons, I felt blessed that they were there to make all the calls and do the driving. I thought of my husband, I sent him love**. Suddenly, I felt his presence to my left. He held my left hand. I felt his anxiety and apologetic mood. Mentally, I told him to go to the light and then return to visit us.
Since I felt his anxiety / mood, I thought he might not have left the earth plane. In our Chinese culture, it was said that those that died might stay around for up to 49 days before moving on with their journey. Therefore, ** I felt it was important to think of them with love during that period so that they could move on in peace. Deep sorrow or even hatred might have some effect on those that had left their physical bodies but had not yet completed the transition. (This was only my personal view. It was not the traditional Chinese view on death.) In the old times, sometimes rich people paid money to others to cry on their behalf to show their love for a diseased parent. Of course, it seemed ridiculous in today's world.
In later months, I learned online the 49 days was referred to as the mourning period. I also remembered some Chinese families paid for monks / taoists to perform ceremonies in 7 days intervals (7x7 equals 49) to help the diseased ones for smooth transition. My sister had told me my brother's family had paid for some taoists to perform ceremonies and pray for my brother's soul on the day of his burial.
I reminded my husband of the incident that happened to his oldest brother's grandson.
We lived in another state when my husband's oldest brother died. He suffered from Alzheimer for some years before he passed away. He and his wife lived with their youngest son's family. (My husband had two older brothers. The one that cared about him had died during the Cultural Revolution.) Before * and after his death, there was a lot of static on the phone whenever the nephew called my husband. (* I had heard the soul of those at the last stage of Alzheimer did not stay in their bodies all the time.) The nephew said this interference did not occur when he talked to other people. The static continued for months after his oldest brother died. (I wondered if my husband's brother wanted to make amends about their relationship.) From the nephew, we learned something happened to his son (the oldest brother's grandson) on the day of his father's burial at the cemetery. At the time, the boy was about 6 years old. He seemed to have seen something terrifying, and broke down crying uncontrollably. When asked, the boy could not utter a word. At home, he continued to cry for days and showed much fear. Fortunately, he is now a tall (over 6'), healthy young man.
I had learned from books that most of us looked our peak or around 30 s on the other side, and had talked to my husband about it. So there I was mentally talking to my husband. I said I did not want the same thing to happen to our grandchildren at the cemetery. I said, "Don't worry. Look, our sons are with me. I will take care of everything ***. Everything is going to be alright. Go to the light. XXX (my husband), you did not fail. You had served, You are a good cook. You had worked hard. We have two good sons. Your sons love you, and our grandkids love you too. Thank you for being there for me all these years . . ." I reminded him to appear in our older son's dreams after going to the light. Our older son was shocked and sad about his father's death. Later that day, my older son said he felt his father's presence in the car too. Before we arrived at the office, I did not feel his presence anymore.
The woman led us to different parts of the cementery. It was a well-kept cementery. We found a lot that we all felt good. I did not see the cemetery as our resting place. Why would we want to live in a grave or coffin after we died! I understood people might want a place to remember a loved one. But, we should know - we can think of him / her or send love wherever we are.
On our way back, my heart was filled with peace. Suddenly, a car behind us rushed into the next lane, and stayed a little bit ahead of our car. I almost screamed with joy. Its license plate was
Of course, I did not scream, and only smiled a joyful smile. If I screamed, it would be hard to explain to my sons particularly at this time. (If you have been reading my blog, you know 444 is a very significant number on my spiritual journey.)
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On the 7th day, I burnt some incense sticks at night. In my heart, I talked to my husband and the Divine.
Q of D
