In January 2015, I published Race and Discrimination Post 1 ,Post 2, and Post 3
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Before I share with you the experience, I want to tell you something about me.
I was very sensitive to people's feeling since I was small. When people walked in, I knew right away if someone was sad, happy, angry, or not feeling well. As I grew, I was more into living my life than paying attention to other people's emotions. Still, there had been times others strong emotions such as deep hidden sadness and hopelessness affected me greatly. (Re my posts Is it time to let go of your pain now? and To forgive is most of all for the good of ourselves )
In elementary school, I did not join small groups as most little girls did. I was more like an observer among my friends. Whenever there was a conflict between groups, the girls usually came to me for my opinion. They listened to what I had to say. In different schools, my classmates voted for me to be the class captain, and sometimes the teacher chose me. It bothered me because I knew some of my classmates wanted very much to be the captain while I did not. My mother understood me. She said, "They vote for you because they respect you and like you. You may not want to be the captain, but I am sure you are going to be a good captain. You care about your classmates, and always treat everybody fairly. "
My sensitivity to people's emotion and how I regard all people help me a lot in handling the incident that I was about to share.
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Before we opened for business, my husband talked to me about his experience with the restaurant business and what he learned from other restaurant owners. He said most of the customers were honest, but as with any service business, there would be a few who were not. The common story was people ordered a shrimp or beef dish, and later called back to say the restaurant had given them a wrong dish. Most Chinese restaurants did not want to argue with the customer, and chose to give the customer a new order of food. The restaurant owners eventually learned from their experiences. They asked the customer to bring back the food in exchange for what they said they had ordered. After hearing that, sometimes the customer said he would just try the food he had brought home. If the customer did come back with the food, the restaurant often found that the beef or shrimps were mostly gone leaving only some vegetables in the carryout boxes. Some restaurant owners instructed their servers to open the container of food in front of the customer (without saying anything) so as to dissuade the customer from doing it again. The restaurants threw away the food that a customer brought back, but it was a way to know the truth.
My husband said he used beef tenderloin / beef flank steak for the beef dishes, and large / big size shrimps for the shrimp dishes. Beef and shrimps were expensive. He put almost half a pound of beef or shrimps for each quart size orders. He said we were not the big restaurants that could afford the loss. He knew that I might not be comfortable in asking a customer to bring back the food for exchange, but he said I must do that.
In the restaurant years, I found most of the customers were nice and honest. I did encounter similar incidents as mentioned above a few times. One afternoon, a teenager walked in. He said his aunt ordered a big carryout for lunch. She told him to come and pick up a quart of sweet and sour pork because it was missing in the bag. I stared at him for a while. I said, "I am the only one who answers the phone. Nobody calls in a big order for lunch today. You are lying!" He walked out of the restaurant laughing. He said he was hoping he could trick me! On another occasion, a young Asian woman placed a small order, and stole two bottles of soy sauce from the tables when I went inside the kitchen. There were other minor incidents such as people used fake money, paid for their orders with stolen checks, and ran out of the restaurant after dining in. However, these were not out of the ordinary in the restaurant business.
Now let me get to the incident I want to share.
One late afternoon, I got a call from a woman. She said she picked up a carryout order for lunch around noon. She said one of the items she ordered was not in the bag. Instead, she found an extra container of food that she had not ordered. I asked why she did not call us right away. She said she did not realize the food was not there until later. She did not call us sooner because she had gone shopping for a couple of hours. She thought it was all right for her to come and pick up the food later in the afternoon. I asked if she still had the food that she had not ordered. She said yes. I asked her to please bring it back when she came to pick up her food. She said she would.
I told my husband about the call. Immediately, he said it did not make any sense to him that a customer called three or four hours after she picked up her order. He asked if she was a regular customer. I said I did not recognize her voice or her name. My husband said he would only cook the food if she brought back the food that she had not ordered.
The woman came. She did not bring back the food as she had promised. I asked about it. She said she did not go home. She came to our restaurant from a store.
I went into the kitchen. I asked my husband to cook the food, but he refused to since she did not bring back the food. I said I believed the customer was telling the truth. I said that we all made mistakes. It was possible we had made a mistakes in packing the order. I said in the restaurant business, the customer was always right. I said, "We will throw away the food she brings back anyway. Would you please cook the food?" Reluctantly, he cooked the food. He said it would take a while. (It should be ready in a short while, but I understood he was not happy.)
I came out of the kitchen to talk to the customer. I apologized for the wait, and said the food would be ready soon. I tried to explain why we asked our customers to bring back the food. (Oh! My mistake!) The woman never looked at me while she listened. Her eyes were on the floor. My husband called from the kitchen that the food was ready. I went in and came out with the order. I handed the bag to the customer. It was then she raised her head and looked at me. In her eyes, I saw indescribable hurt, pain, and anger! I stood there in shock while she walked away. When I came to, she was gone. I realized she (a black woman) thought I had judged her by her race, and discriminated against her just liked many did.
That night I prayed long and hard. I imagined talking to her higher self face to face. I told her I had always looked at all people as equal. I never intended to hurt her. However, from the expression on her face, I knew I had hurt her. I asked for her forgiveness.
Two days later, a black man walked into the restaurant. Right away, he angrily said that I had hurt his wife deeply. Looking into his eyes, I immediately said, "You must be the husband of the lady who came two days ago..." I told him how sorry I was that afternoon seeing the hurt and pain in his wife's eyes. I related to him what had happened. When I tried to explain why we asked our customers to bring back the food, his wife could have taken it as an accusation that she was lying. However, I believed her. At the end, I told him truthfully that I was sorry, and that I should be more sensitive and mindful of what I said.
He listened. Obviously, he had not expected to hear what I said. After I finished talking, he was no longer angry. He was quiet for a while. Then he said, "Let us start from ground zero!" I eventually came to know this wonderful family who continued to order from us regularly until we sold the business. One day, I went to the library. A young woman who worked there greeted me with a beautiful smile. She said her family missed our food, and they could not find the same quality of Chinese food anywhere. She was the couple's daughter.
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In any relationship, it takes time to truly know one another. It is especially so when people of different backgrounds and races come together. Occasionally, we may feel others dislike us because we are different from they are, but it may not necessary be the case.
I always remembered what my older son said to me one day long ago. In high school, he worked part-time in a fast food restaurant and a store to support the family. One day, I talked to him about a cashier who was often rude and mean. I said the cashier must be a racist. My son said, "Mom, it is easy to assume someone is racist when he treats you meanly. At work, I have met a few people who are grumpy all the time. They are not just mean to some people, but mean to almost everyone. The cashier may be like that too. They are those who are unhappy with their lives, and may not necessary be racist. If we don't take their grumpiness personally, we will find that they are all right." (Thank you, Son, for sharing with me your wisdom.)
Indeed, we have to accept who he or she is* before a harmonious relationship can begin. (*i.e. the state of being he or she is at) As humans, it is in our interaction, we come to know each other. No one is perfect. With this premise, we can look at others shortcomings with patience and forgiveness as if they are our shortcomings.
Let us give ourselves and others the grace as the brother has given me. Let all of us start from ground zero. Let us look at one another with love and acceptance. Amen.
Love,
Q of D
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