I have decided to share "On a cloudy, gloomy morning..." with you as my first post in July. (Please see my last post Writing Is Healing.) It was written over ten years ago. Besides taking care of the restaurant business, I wrote on and off for about 4 weeks. Please bear with me as it is long compare to my other posts, and the writing in many ways may seem elementary.
On a cloudy, gloomy morning, I go looking for the sun
On a cloudy, gloomy morning, I go looking for the sun. I see some birds resting on the electrical wires high above.
"Can you please tell me where is the sun?" I ask the birds.
Most of them stand there motionlessly as if they don't hear me. To some, I am not their own kind, and I don't deserve their attention. To some, that is their way of being - minding their own business and customarily not seeing or hearing what goes on around them. Meanwhile, a small flock of birds fly away in fear because of my intrusion.
"Come on, can anyone of you tell me?" I beg.
Sensing the urgency in my voice, a lone bird at the far end of the wire breaks the silence, "I just came from the east. The last time I saw the sun, it was on the top of some trees."
I thank the bird and go east. I come upon the trees. I climb up one of the tallest trees hoping to have a glimpse of the sun. The sun is nowhere in sight. Feeling deeply disappointed, I fall on one of the branches.
"Ouch, you hurt me!" the tree cries.
"Oh, I am so sorry. I don't mean to hurt you." Quickly, I climb down the tree.
"What is new!? You humans think you are the masters of everything. You cut us, chop us, burn us, or totally destroy us just to your liking. You take up the land as if we don't have any rights," the tree grumbles.
Unexpected of what I hear, I stand there speechless. The tree is right. Who do we think we are? We are supposed to co-exist in this abundant land. It does not give us the right to destroy them at will just because we have hands. Have we ever considered that they too have a life? Do we consider ourselves superior than they are, and we can simply do what we want to do to them? Do we humans have the right to do what we want to do for the reason of what seems good for us?
"I am sorry for what we did," I mumble.
"Hey, lady, you don't have to apologize. Besides, what is the use of saying 'sorry'. Some of us trees are just like you humans - grumble about what is not equal and what is not fair. But most of us are pretty at peace. We take it one day at a time. We enjoy the sunshine as well as the rain. When there is a thunderstorm, our leaves may shake and fall, our branches may break, but most of the time our heart and soul are still intact. We are humming to the rhythm of life. There are joy and peace in our lives. We send out how we feel all the time. Some of you may sense our joy and peace when you stand near us. Of course, there are always those of you who have a closed heart that cannot sense or feel. Well, lady, I talk too much. Why are you looking for the sun?" A tree about 10 feet away talks to me gently. His trunk is about 3 feet wide and its leaves are plentiful.
"E...r..." Why am I looking for the Sun? What do I want from the sun? It is personal. I cannot open up in front of a stranger. Anything personal means something we hide in thick invisible walls within us that nobody can touch or should touch. What am I going to say to this friendly, peaceful tree. My mind whirls like a small tornado. I cannot lie, yet I cannot tell.
"Hey, lady, it is alright if you don't want to talk about it. For a brief moment this morning, the sun is right above us. Right now, it is past noon. It must be in the middle of the sky behind those thick, dark clouds. May be the clouds will know exactly where the sun is," the tree said. Gently, it waves its leaves as if saying farewell with good wishes.
I look at the tree with appreciation. I continue to search for the sun.
I stand under a huge dark cloud. The sky with all of these dense gray and dark clouds seems to be closing in on me. Fear starts to spread. The anxiety of not finding the sun rises.
"Hi, clouds, I am looking for the sun. Can you please tell me where exactly the sun is behind you?"
"Why is it always the sun! Everybody likes the sun. Wow, the sun is out! What a beautiful day! When do people say anything nice about us clouds? On a blue sky day, a few of you may point at us and say 'the cloud looks like a lion or a sheep or whatever'. That is about it. These days, people on earth talk about racism or color-blind (i.e. do not judge people base on the colors of the skin). How about color-blind when you express your view about us? Look at how freshly g r e e n the leaves are! Look at the beautiful p i n k flowers! Look at the c o l o r s of the rainbow! These comments are based on your prejudiced view of colors. You are only happy to see us when you desperately need rain. Where does rain come from? It comes from us. People say it is romantic to take a walk in the rain. People are glad to have a cloudy day after many hot summer days. But, people never really appreciate us," the dark cloud groans.
A small gray cloud jumps in, "Yes, especially the women! You sadden your face when you look up at us as if we are bad news. You talk about us as if we are the cause of your lousy mood. How shallow! We are not jealous of the sun. We are one big family - the sun, the moon, the stars, and the sky, blue or gray. We work closely together. Sunny days, cloudy days, rainy days, stormy days, snowy days, thunders and lightnings are our doing. There is beauty in all that we do. But, you humans are so discriminating and too blind to see. Go away. We don't want to talk to you."
I listen. I am one of those women who dislike cloudy days. I also don't like rainy days because they are wet and inconvenient. I let my sensory perceptions dominate my life and impair my judgment. I feel down on cloudy and rainy days. It is my own attitude or wrong view that forms the mood I am in. I never confront myself about the cause of my mood until now. Indeed, how shallow I am!
We consider people / things beautiful and wonderful when they please our sensory perception. Our discriminating mind judges everything. We sideline those we do not feel attracted to. We neglect those that do not stand out in our limited mind. We can be a bad parent who favors one child and ignores another, inflicting immense pain upon the neglected one. We can be the blind-minded majority who foolishly attach ourselves to the standards of the so-called beauty in our society - super slim fashion models, muscular body builders, the glamorous look of movie stars, the fashion and hair styles of the rich and famous, the expensive brand name wears and jewelry that people identify themselves with. Many spend their time and money pursuing the perfect body, but still feel imperfect inside. Some women drag their children to the fitness center as if they are spending 'quality' time with them. However, they never take the time to read to them, really listen to them, or talk to them. We laugh or look down at those who do not conform to the 'standards'. We isolate them or ignore them as if they do not exist. At other times, we fear them like I fear the dark clouds. We never try to determine if our view and action are justified or generated out of our own prejudice and ignorance.
Again, I look up at the cloudy sky. My fear of the sky closing in on me is dissipated. I sit down and close my eyes. In my mind, I send a message to the sky, "Clouds, if you will allow me, can we start anew. Due to my own unfounded fear and shallowness, I have indeed been unfair to you. From now on, I will observe you with my heart and soul. I cannot go back in time to look at you with the eyes of a young child, who is ever so curious about everything and sees wonder and beauty in all things. As humans, we absorb other people's opinion and prejudice while we are growing up. We form judgments and start to discriminate. We let what we perceive or see control our mood. We never realize the mood we are in is caused by our own attitude. It is part of our weaknesses that we tend to blame others for our misery instead of look within to see if we are at fault. Clouds, thank you for your candid talk."
I feel the coolness of raindrops on my face. It starts to rain. I pull the hood of my jacket over my head. Slowly I walk home.
"Hey, aren't you looking for the sun?" I hear a faint voice.
"Not anymore." I keep walking.
"Are you sure you don't want to see the sun?"
I try to find the source of the voice. I look around. I see no one. The voice is barely audible. Is it my imagination?
"Ah, humans, why do you doubt yourself all the times? Unlike you, we don't have a physical body. That is why you don't see us. We are the air, the wind and the breeze around you. We are here to bring you the message from the clouds. They accept your apologies. So do you want to know where is the sun?"
Do I still want to see the sun? My self questioning echoes like huge tidal waves knocking again and again at the invisible walls that hold my very personal reason of wanting to see the sun. Why am I so desperate to find the sun today? WHY? WHY? WHY? Ferociously, my self questioning strikes at the walls within. The walls vibrate, shake, collapse, and disappear. At that very moment, I realize I have known it all along that the walls are about to collapse. That is why I am out looking for the SUN.
Life's disappointments, frustrations, hurts, and pain have accumulated to a point where these walls can no longer hold. I have been struggling, fighting back, trying to maintain my peace, and most of all putting up a false calm front pretending that 'I am okay'. In the meantime, I pray desperately for help. However, as time goes by, God is not only invisible but unreachable. On the contrary, the sun is a constant life source. It appears day after day and gives life energy to the whole world. Its warm, golden sunlight gives me hope and energy to go through another day. To me, the sun is a symbol of hope, and in many ways a visible replacement of an invisible God.
We have had over a week of cloudy days. My attitude toward cloudy days is like the unwanted pressure added to a pressure cooker. So on this gloomy day with the inside of me gloomier than the sky, I go looking for the sun clinging to the hope that it will save me for the day.
But now the walls are gone. All the darkness that is kept inside is slowly spreading to every part of my being. The sense of helplessness and hopelessness begins to take over my mind. I look up at the sky and yell, "Sun, or God, where are you?"
"So you want to find the sun after all!" The faint voice returns. "It is very late. The sun is setting in the west. Well, may be we can give you a ride."
I find myself up in the air. When I come to, I am on a beach. A few people were there watching the sunset. All I can see are the indescribable beautiful red clouds above the horizon of the sea. Meanwhile, the darkness inside of me continues to spread.
"Help! Help! Somebody is drowning!" A woman frantically calls out and points to a distance where a boy is struggling in the water.
I run as fast as I can towards the boy. Two men rush past me. The coldness of the water that is up to my knees makes me come to my senses - I don't even know how to swim! I panic, but feel relieved that two men are swimming towards the boy. They carry the boy back to shore. The boy is about 10 to 13 years old. His body looks stiff and lifeless. One man starts to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation. The other man is also trying to revive him. The rest of us surround them. In silence, we watch. In our hearts, we all pray.
For a brief second, the man who performs mouth to mouth resuscitation raises his head. His look is weary. The boy is still unresponsive.
I kneel down and hold the boy's right hand.
"Please don't die. Please live!" I hear my voice choking with emotions. "Please don't stop trying. Please live. The world is a beautiful world after all." In whisper, I plead. For a brief moment, I don't know if I am talking to the boy or myself.
I lean forward. I notice a dim light in the center of my chest! The light is warm and tender like the winter sun. It glows and expands. I look at the two men who are trying to revive the boy and the rest of the people. Their lights are glowing brighter and brighter too!
Suddenly, I feel the boy's hand that I am holding moves! I see a thin layer of light begins to shine through the chest of the boy.
Again, I look up at the cloudy sky. My fear of the sky closing in on me is dissipated. I sit down and close my eyes. In my mind, I send a message to the sky, "Clouds, if you will allow me, can we start anew. Due to my own unfounded fear and shallowness, I have indeed been unfair to you. From now on, I will observe you with my heart and soul. I cannot go back in time to look at you with the eyes of a young child, who is ever so curious about everything and sees wonder and beauty in all things. As humans, we absorb other people's opinion and prejudice while we are growing up. We form judgments and start to discriminate. We let what we perceive or see control our mood. We never realize the mood we are in is caused by our own attitude. It is part of our weaknesses that we tend to blame others for our misery instead of look within to see if we are at fault. Clouds, thank you for your candid talk."
I feel the coolness of raindrops on my face. It starts to rain. I pull the hood of my jacket over my head. Slowly I walk home.
"Hey, aren't you looking for the sun?" I hear a faint voice.
"Not anymore." I keep walking.
"Are you sure you don't want to see the sun?"
I try to find the source of the voice. I look around. I see no one. The voice is barely audible. Is it my imagination?
"Ah, humans, why do you doubt yourself all the times? Unlike you, we don't have a physical body. That is why you don't see us. We are the air, the wind and the breeze around you. We are here to bring you the message from the clouds. They accept your apologies. So do you want to know where is the sun?"
Do I still want to see the sun? My self questioning echoes like huge tidal waves knocking again and again at the invisible walls that hold my very personal reason of wanting to see the sun. Why am I so desperate to find the sun today? WHY? WHY? WHY? Ferociously, my self questioning strikes at the walls within. The walls vibrate, shake, collapse, and disappear. At that very moment, I realize I have known it all along that the walls are about to collapse. That is why I am out looking for the SUN.
Life's disappointments, frustrations, hurts, and pain have accumulated to a point where these walls can no longer hold. I have been struggling, fighting back, trying to maintain my peace, and most of all putting up a false calm front pretending that 'I am okay'. In the meantime, I pray desperately for help. However, as time goes by, God is not only invisible but unreachable. On the contrary, the sun is a constant life source. It appears day after day and gives life energy to the whole world. Its warm, golden sunlight gives me hope and energy to go through another day. To me, the sun is a symbol of hope, and in many ways a visible replacement of an invisible God.
We have had over a week of cloudy days. My attitude toward cloudy days is like the unwanted pressure added to a pressure cooker. So on this gloomy day with the inside of me gloomier than the sky, I go looking for the sun clinging to the hope that it will save me for the day.
But now the walls are gone. All the darkness that is kept inside is slowly spreading to every part of my being. The sense of helplessness and hopelessness begins to take over my mind. I look up at the sky and yell, "Sun, or God, where are you?"
"So you want to find the sun after all!" The faint voice returns. "It is very late. The sun is setting in the west. Well, may be we can give you a ride."
I find myself up in the air. When I come to, I am on a beach. A few people were there watching the sunset. All I can see are the indescribable beautiful red clouds above the horizon of the sea. Meanwhile, the darkness inside of me continues to spread.
"Help! Help! Somebody is drowning!" A woman frantically calls out and points to a distance where a boy is struggling in the water.
I run as fast as I can towards the boy. Two men rush past me. The coldness of the water that is up to my knees makes me come to my senses - I don't even know how to swim! I panic, but feel relieved that two men are swimming towards the boy. They carry the boy back to shore. The boy is about 10 to 13 years old. His body looks stiff and lifeless. One man starts to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation. The other man is also trying to revive him. The rest of us surround them. In silence, we watch. In our hearts, we all pray.
For a brief second, the man who performs mouth to mouth resuscitation raises his head. His look is weary. The boy is still unresponsive.
I kneel down and hold the boy's right hand.
"Please don't die. Please live!" I hear my voice choking with emotions. "Please don't stop trying. Please live. The world is a beautiful world after all." In whisper, I plead. For a brief moment, I don't know if I am talking to the boy or myself.
I lean forward. I notice a dim light in the center of my chest! The light is warm and tender like the winter sun. It glows and expands. I look at the two men who are trying to revive the boy and the rest of the people. Their lights are glowing brighter and brighter too!
Suddenly, I feel the boy's hand that I am holding moves! I see a thin layer of light begins to shine through the chest of the boy.
~ Finish ~
If you actually read to the finish, you must be very special and extraordinary patient.
When the sentence came to me that morning, I was like a middle school student that was given a title to write. I got more out of the assignment than I had expected. I was healed from some of my fears, and no longer felt depressed because of the weather.
May your days be filled with joy and peace!
Many blessings,
Q of D
When the sentence came to me that morning, I was like a middle school student that was given a title to write. I got more out of the assignment than I had expected. I was healed from some of my fears, and no longer felt depressed because of the weather.
May your days be filled with joy and peace!
Many blessings,
Q of D
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