Do You Really Mean What You Pray For ?

Greetings!

In June, 2006, the teacher of the Thursday Circle rented a bus and brought us to Camp Chesterfield, a spiritual center in Indiana.  The morning before the trip I woke up in a happy mood.  I was excited about the trip.  After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I looked at the me in the mirror.  There was a big smile on my face.  Happily, I said, "Yes!  I am going to Camp Chesterfield!  I am going to Camp Chesterfield!  I am going to Camp Chesterfield!"  Then I said, "Please let me know what my life mission is."  Right after, I 'heard' a gentle, calm voice.

"Will you allow yourself to be happy?"
"Yes, I will," I answered.  Meanwhile, I wondered what was going on, or if it was my mind.

"Will you allow yourself to be prosperous?"
"Yes, I will."  At this point, somehow I felt very humbling as I answered.

"Will you allow yourself to be successful?"
"Yes, I will," I humbly answered.  I no longer doubted what was going on.

"Will you allow yourself to be loved?"
"Yes, I will," I said.

"So be it."

After that, there was no more questions.  I stood there in a state of awe of what had happened.

A short while later, I began to doubt.  "Was it me or my mind...."  I stopped myself from wanting to analyze what had happened.  I recorded the experience in my journal.  I found it puzzling that I felt very humbled when I answered those questions.

A few nights later, I realized it was not my ego that made up those questions.  There was truly a dialogue since it began with "Will you allow yourself to be . . . . .?"  I felt so humbled that morning because I began to realize that it was 'me' who had not allowed myself  'to be happy, prosperous, successful and loved'.

One might think everybody in the world would want to be successful, prosperous, happy, and loved.  Why would anyone in the right frame of mind not want any of these?  I had indeed prayed constantly for prosperity during the restaurant years because we struggled financially month after month.  As I contemplated, I realized I was not wholeheartedly into what I prayed for because I had conflicting thought.

Ever since I was small, I was sensitive to people's pain and suffering.  Stories of loving kindness touched me deeply.  If I accepted a job, I gave it my best no matter how minimal the pay was.  I always tried to improve on my job, and it was never about competing with others.  

My loved ones occasionally said that I was not competitive enough or I was not ambitious.  My brother, who had a successful career, once said to me, "Sis, those that do not put their own interest above others or as their top priority are condemned by heaven and earth!"  (This was a translation of an old Chinese saying.)  He was upset because I told him what happened that day in my office.  The boss told me that I would soon get another raise, and I asked him to give a coworker a raise instead of me.  I had only worked there for about half a year.  I already got two raises.  I never talked to other co-workers about salary or raises.  However, one day a co-worker who was feeling down told me she never got a raise in her years with the company.  Therefore, I immediately thought of the coworker when the boss said I would be getting another raise.  (I did get another raise.  I did not know if the co-worker got a raise.  I never talked to her about what I said to the boss.)  

In my Dec. 2001 reading by the angel channel , my guides and angels told me that I would soon enter a period of influx.  They told me if I wanted a happy relationship, I should not fixate on anybody but simply thought of what a happy relationship was.  If I wanted financial freedom, I should not fixate on how financial freedom should come through or set limits on the flow of money.  The same advice also applied to other aspects of my life such as love and success.  

After the reading, I broke down and cried instead of feeling excited about the future.  I wondered why I was told not to fixate on anybody.  I took it as an implication that something would happen to my husband.  Our relationship had become quite challenging, but I had never stopped praying for him.  He worked very hard all his life, and most of all, he was the father of our sons.  Instead of not fixating on anybody, I prayed earnestly for his wellbeing and success.  With success and money, I hope he would change his way of thinking that life had not treated him kind.

When it came to financial freedom, I said to the Divine, "God, you know I never ask for fame or fortune."  I set a limit which I thought I could handle, and promised I would use it for the good of all.  Looking back, it was laughable that I did exactly the opposite as to what I was instructed to.

As for love, I knew my family loved me, and I loved my family with all my heart.  I  saw myself as a married Chinese woman.  I built walls based on the premise that I was a female and I was married.  Due to the self imposed barrier based on my worldly identity, my heart was not very open in receiving love.  

When I was asked to think about success, I sent the Divine a mixed message.  I often prayed for success for others, and not for myself.  I knew my husband would be happy if the business was a success.  He would have a whole new look about his life. Therefore, I prayed for his success in the restaurant business.  However, my angels and guides had already confirmed that I had made the right decision to sell the restaurant.  They wanted me to move on and do what I came to do.   With that in mind, I said I was willing to fulfill my life purposes, and asked for their help in selling the restaurant.  I did not realize how contradictory my prayers for success were.

After praying with all my heart, I thought I had prayed for financial freedom, success, prosperity and a loving relationship as my guides and angels told me to.  Part of me was excited about the future while part of me had lots of doubts as I did not think I could teach or write.  In retrospect, I realized I was into praying for success for my husband and not for myself because success had a hint of attention.  And, I did not like attention.

For years, I lived in my own doubts and the feeling of uncertainty.  Meanwhile, I wondered why my prayers were not answered.  Oh, did not our mind create the situations we were in!

My friends, do you have any unanswered prayer?  If you do, please contemplate if you really mean what you pray for, and examine if you have been sending the Divine contradicting messages.  

In love, I share with you my experience.

Many blessings,
Q of D

 
Link to my posts on the Camp Chesterfield trip -

We are all much more than who we appear to be

Don't be too critical of ourselves and others

Now, we are about even!

Greetings!

This morning I woke up remembering an incident that happened in the restaurant years.

I wrote in my post Giving and Receiving Love Must Be Balanced that over 90% of our business were carry-out orders.  A few of our regular customers always left a tip when they picked up their orders.  One of them was an elderly gentleman.  In the earlier years of our business, he used to dine-in with his wife.  Our older son had waited on them. They were always very nice and generous.  They told our son they had retired, and they owned some properties in another city.  In the later years, it seemed they had moved.  Instead of dining in, they ordered carry-outs from us.  Sometimes his wife came and picked up the order.  Sometimes a woman who said she worked in a nursing home picked up the order.  The other times the gentleman came.

They always ordered the same thing.  They did not eat much, and the total of their order was less than $10.  Whenever the gentleman came, he left a tip.  He might add a few dollars to what he should pay, and he had left a $10 tip for our son before.

Then for a year or two (I could not remember clearly), he always came in with a $5 in his hand as a tip.  I told him again and again he did not need to do that, but he insisted.

One day near Christmas, the gentleman came to pick up his order.  As usual, he gave me a $5 tip after he paid for his order.  He then walked very quickly towards the door which he never did before.  I looked at the $5 in my hand.  It was folded into a square. It was thick!  Immediately, I unfolded it.  There was a $20 inside!  I rushed to give him the money back .

"Sir, I cannot accept......"  He stopped me before I finished.  He looked into my eyes and said: "Now, we are about even."  Then he walked out of the restaurant.

With the $25 in my hand, I stood there in puzzlement.  Why did he say 'now, we are about even'?  Suddenly, I recalled a dream.    

One morning, I woke up from a dream.

I was a young, married woman.  I was walking inside a housing complex which was built with mud.  Outside, it was mud too, and there was no paved road.  Many families lived there.  Children were seen playing inside the common area of the complex.  It seemed I just moved there, and my husband worked in a nearby power plant (electricity).  In one of the unit or room, I saw three men harassing an old man who was about 75 years old. They were yelling at him because he owed them money. The next scene - I was talking to a little girl who was about 5 - 7 years old.  She was the old man's granddaughter.  I gave her a dollar, and asked her to give it to her grandfather.  I told her from now on I would give her some money every month to give to her grandfather, however, she must never tell him it was from me.

It was not a vivid dream.  I took it as a past life dream.  It was a feel dream which meant there was no clear image.  I remembered it because it was a dream before I woke up.  As I mentioned, the dream right before I woke up always bore some significance.  

I did not know why I recalled that dream at that very moment.  I would never know if he was the old man in the dream.  That was the last time I saw him.

Life is mysterious!  Take good care of yourself, be kind, and enjoy your journey on earth.  Have a wonderful weekend!

Love,
Q of D