It is October. It is time to get back to my blog.
I did not publish any post in September. I wrote two posts in July and one post in August. As it was in A Halt in Blogging , I again pondered what to do. I understood 'nothing is personal in the loving divine', but, the human I still struggled to share my experience 'as is'.
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After the retreat in the summer of 2017, the spiritual teacher went back to his country. Our group met once a month at night as we were after the 2016 discourses except this time around the master healer did not plan to join us regularly. He said it was time for our group to move forward by ourselves. It was understandable. He had already flown to our state (using his own money) to be with us in our monthly meeting for a whole year. He was in his 80 s, and had his own work / business to attend to in the state he lived in.
Before the spiritual teacher left, he suddenly said we would meet again soon. At the time, I thought he meant he would come back next year (i.e. in the summer of 2018). A month or two later, I received an email that the teacher had invited us (or those that could go) to attend his new year discourse in his country. It was then I realized why he said we would meet again soon. I did not go. Many of my friends together with their families went on the trip near the end of 2017. I had intended to see my friends before they left. However, I did not go to the December meeting because my old car broke down the day before.
With the car problems, I did not want to drive at night. I did not go to the Jan. and Feb. meetings. Many in the group were still with the spiritual teacher and had not returned to USA.
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During that time, I read the book series once in a while. The books were written by a disciple of the two masters that had moved on. He recorded many events and conversations with one of the masters (one master had moved on) in great detail. In the books were also his own spiritual and emotional journey during that time. I did not feel the same resonance in reading the books as my friends did. Eventually, I decided to stop reading the books. Unlike how I felt some months ago, this time I was at peace with my choice. (Re The Feeling of Separateness )
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In late February, I learned my friends had come back from their trip, and there was a meeting in early March. Despite of the problems with the car, I decided to go to see my friends.
I was glad to see my friends. Some were surprised and happy to see me too. We watched the video of their trip. Later, some shared their experiences about reading the books. In the absence of a teacher, something seemed to be missing. It might be none of us had the clarity to speak up here and there as the master healer did.
In the 2017 retreat, the spiritual teacher had emphasized that we as a group must surrender totally to the two masters that had moved on so that they could guide us from above. It was said they were not just any other ascended masters, but super powerful universal beings that had reincarnated. Most in the group had indeed followed through wholeheartedly, read the book series diligently and worshiped the gurus with all their hearts.
In my post Gateway to Heaven, I wrote I loved Buddha as I loved Christ. In other words, I held the view of equality. I believed "in each one of us is the spark of God, and Truth resides within; we are of the same nature, and it was in divine order we have unique / different expressions." In my heart, I loved many ascended masters as well as wonderful people I had met / heard of. I might feel closer to some, but my love did not vary because some were portrayed as more powerful than others. (Re The Dream that Inspired me to get back to my Blog )
It was because of this belief (or attitude), be it right or wrong, I could not surrender totally to the two masters (only) as my friends did. I also felt resonance with these words that came from the masters (i.e. my guides, Master Kuthumi, and Quan Yin) through a well known channel some years back. (Re Fall only into the divine emotion of love )
Stay in the center of yourself,
moving through with wisdom and courage
Standing in love,
listening to your intuition and psychic self,
and not those outside of yourself . . . .
Do not worship teachers outside of yourself
Seek wise counsel within self and listen,
and take faith in you know what you know . . . .
Let go of your human emotions of fear, anger . . . .
Fall only into the divine emotion of Love, the Creative Force
When the master healer was with us, we had discussions on different subjects. Now my friends mainly talked about the books and their experiences of reading them. Personally, I felt we could do more as a group.
In Is our thought a secret known only to ourselves? I learned from my experiences that my thought might be known to others because intuition was (is) the language of the soul. Therefore, I believed the spiritual teacher knew how I felt toward surrendering to the two masters. I also understood that where I stood was known to the few that were close to the teacher from the way they looked at me. As if to confirm that, this happened before I left the meeting.
I sat on a chair thinking if I would come again. A distance away, Matthew was talking to someone that did not come regularly. At one point, I sensed Matthew was looking in my direction. Indeed, he was. He said to that person, "Q of D (he mentioned my name) is higher than most of us. If only she could let go of her judgment . . ."
Since I stepped outside of my family, quite a few people had said things about me that I did not expect to hear. "I am just like everybody else!" That was how I saw myself as we were all equal and unique in nature.
At home, I contemplated on what to do. I saw how one heart and one mind my brothers and sisters were toward their mission of following the masters. I did not want to be a divisive presence among them. I decided it was better for the group to move forward without me.
I thought the spiritual teacher might not come in the summer since many in the group had gone to hear his discourses. I was wrong. And, it was the reason for my pause in my blogging.
Did I go to his discourses?
As the Queen of Dreams, what I finally chose to do had much to do with a dream.
I will continue to share with you my journey in my next post.
Love and Peace,
Q of D
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