Greetings!
I have not published any post for many weeks.
My dear brother passed away two and a half months ago. In recent years, he had been hospitalized a couple of times because of a serious heart problem. He did not die of covid-19. In the place he lived in, the government and its people had taken the virus seriously from the very beginning. They put in all the necessary steps such as contact tracing, lockdown where necessary, and everyone wore mask voluntarily. Their past experience with the bird flu had probably prepared them for this new wave of virus. As a result, though the place was densely populated, the number of deaths was minimal.
In the weeks following my brother's death, I worked on a post to remember and honor him. I recalled many fond memories.
When we were young, my brother and I liked to play ping pong (table tennis) and Chinese chess. We used a wooden plank as a tennis table. When there was no school, sometimes we played these games on and off throughout the day. My sister, brother and I were close in age. However, my sister did not play ping pong or chess with us. It might be she saw herself as the big sister, and / or she was interesting in other things.My brother was much better than me in both table tennis and Chinese chess. He won most of the time. I did not mind losing because I truly enjoyed the games. I always asked him to play 'one more match' when he wanted to stop playing chess. Of course, I lost again. I would say "please play one more match with me." If I observed he intentionally let me win, I would get mad. He realized that letting me win was not a way of getting out of playing chess with me. I usually stopped after playing a few more matches because I understood he had already been very patient with me. How boring it must be for him that he won all or most of the time!
When we were a little bit older (probably when I was around 9), we stopped playing ping pong and chess. I spent more time hanging out with my classmates, while his interest shifted into reading books / magazines** in science and technology. I recalled he made a movie projector. He drew pictures on transparent plastic sheets, and projected 'his story / movie' onto the wall. We (incl. a few kids in the neighborhood) were all amazed of 'his invention'. (** In his early teens, he liked to walk to the streets where people sold junk that they collected from trash. He often came home with some old magazines, books, and broken items. I enjoyed reading the magazines of mysteries and detective stories that he brought home. In time, I observed he did not read them, but continued to buy them. I realized he bought them for me.
When he graduated from secondary school, he found a job in an office. (In our time, some young people had to work to support their family after a few years of elementary education, and most secondary school graduates looked for work right away. My sister told me it was very different now.) After a couple of months on the job, he saw an ad on the newspaper. A big corporation was looking for computer programmer / trainee. (At the time, we did not have computer class in secondary schools.) The corporation preferred university graduates, but those that graduated from secondary school could apply; those that applied had to take an examination. Hundreds of people went for the examination (over 700?). Eight people were hired. Seven of them were university graduates, and my brother was the only one that graduated from secondary school.
In the beginning at his job, my brother worked very hard. Sometimes he came home past midnight. Sometimes he came home for dinner, and then went back to work. Our family liked to watch the prime time TV drama series at night. One night, the TV show was over. My brother walked in while we were having dinner. He got some rice and joined up at the table. As usual, he asked me to fill him in on the TV drama series. I put down my bowl, and began to tell him the story. When I was done telling the story, I was shocked to see almost every dish was empty. My family also realized what had happened. They felt very sorry. My mother and brother said that I was such a good story teller that they were totally into listening to me as they ate, and forgot that I had not finished eating. (Looking back, I must have been wholeheartedly into telling the story that I did not see what happened in front of me.) Looking at the empty dishes, I found the whole thing very funny. All of us ended up having a good laugh. My mother went to the kitchen to make something new for me to eat. It never happened again.
A few months later, the corporation sent my brother and another employee to an European country for three months. It was his first time away from home. During his stay, he visited France and might be a couple nearby countries. When he returned home, we were nicely surprised he bought many gifts for each one of us. He was generous by nature. He helped his old classmates when they came to ask for help too.
We were happy when he told us he had met the girl he loved. As the only son, we understood he was kind of lonely. My brother liked to keep things to himself. He only let us know her name and that she had quite a few siblings. Around that time, my brother joined a civic organization, a leadership group for successful young men. One night, my brother came home in high spirit. He told us he was elected the vice president of the civic organization, and would have a secretary (female) to work with him. We were happy and proud of him. He called his girlfriend about the good news, but her response was not what he had expected. She asked him to leave the organization because she did not want him to look at another woman. That night my brother spent hours on the phone trying to assure her. We saw the problem, and my brother saw it too. That night we saw his emotion ran from high high to low low. For the days that followed, his girlfriend refused to see him. Eventually, my brother resigned and left the civic organization. For quite a while, he was sad, but was glad he still had her.
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Many weeks I logged in to my blog, deleted part of what I wrote, rewrote some, and logged out. It was not sadness that kept me from writing. Of course, I felt sad that my brother had passed away. However, the present me understood death was not the end, and I knew my brother was no longer suffering from physical illness. I had a hard time of writing the post because the human I felt I should only write about the good memories and my brother's earthly success; I should not write about the above incident even though it was the precursor to the disconnection between my brother and us in later years.
After Ten Years Blogging , I still find it challenging to share my personal experiences. It was easy to write about my own mistakes and shortcomings. It was a different matter when a friend or a loved one was an important part of the experience. The human I found it particularly challenging when what I shared might put her / him in a negative light. At one point, I thought I would let go of writing the post, and moved onto sharing something else.
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Due to the pandemic, many spiritual groups met online instead of in person. I joined several groups too. I did not attend online meetings regularly. I joined a meeting when the subject matter was new or of interest to me. In a recent zoom meeting, a woman said she did not recall the name of the woman that shared with her a personal experience a couple of weeks ago. She said what that woman said hit her (she pointed at her forehead) like electricity as if a light bulb suddenly lighted up, and helped her to look at her situation from a different perspective. I did not expect to hear her validation of what I said. If she or I did not join that particular meeting, I would not have heard what she said. My guides and angels had said for me to teach and write. I always felt I could not teach because my English was not good. That was why I often listened, and only spoke up when I had to. When I heard what the woman said, I suddenly realized it was in sharing my experiences that I taught. What I learned from my experiences could help others just as other people's experiences had inspired / uplifted me.
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Life's dramas are plenty. It is easy for those that are not involved in that relationship or situation to judge that someone has made the wrong decision. Good or bad (a matter of speech), our relationships, not just that of a man and a woman, are karmic. Sometimes a person that is seemingly in the wrong may be going through an intense life lesson that he or she has yet to overcome through lifetimes. Compassion, love and light (wisdom) may guide us through as we look at life's dramas with DISCERNMENT.
I shall continue to share my experiences with you as well as what I learn from them.
Many Blessings,
Q of D
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