Greetings!
In my post A conversation on our way to a produce market, my husband had an aha moment when he connected the bumpy road and the repaved road to our attitude towards life. Today I would like to share my aha moment with you.
After shopping at different stores, we were about to go home. Before my husband started the car, I suggested to go on another road. If we stayed on the same road, we were likely to run into a traffic jam because a certain part of that road was always congested. We had experienced traffic jam many times before. My husband was a safe driver, but he was not very patient with traffic. He often complained about having to stop at red lights, traffic jams, cars cutting in front of us without signalling, and other people that drove slowly. That was why I suggested to go on another road where the traffic was light.
After hearing my suggestion, my husband chose to stay on the same road. He said there should be no traffic jam because it was not the rush hour. I was fine with his decision for we were not in a hurry.
When we arrived at that part of the road, there was indeed a traffic jam. The cars crawled along the road. After quite a while, my husband said he would make a right turn when we reached the next intersection. When we reached an intersection, the red light was on. Our car was the first car behind the red light. I saw the cars in front of us were moving smoothly towards the next traffic light. It meant we had driven past the congested part of the road. I told my husband that there was no need to turn because the traffic ahead seemed to be fine. However, as the light turned green, he turned right anyway. He said he did not want to take any chance because the traffic might still be congested if we stayed on that road.
After he made the turn, we soon found a semi truck blocking the road right before a traffic light. The green light was on, but we had to wait for the semi truck to get out of the way. When we eventually drove past the traffic light, we found the road led to a big enclosed housing complex. In order to get to the other road, we had to drive back to the traffic light where we saw the semi truck!
During the delay, my husband turned to look at me a couple of times. I knew he thought I must be upset because we could have already been home if he had listened to me. On this day, I looked at what happened as the way of life - sometimes things went smoothly; at other times, we experienced delay or setback.
After my husband finally drove on the road (that I had suggested) for a while, he said, "It feels much better driving on this road." I smiled and said, "Yes, it is. The traffic on this road is always light."
Suddenly, I connected what happened this day to "Who's driving?", the words that our older son said on a few occasions. In an instant, many things including scenes and feeling of the past events came to my mind. It was like a sudden download of an understanding, or a spark appeared to light up an area that was in the dark. And, I had my aha moment.
In recent years, our son took it as his responsibility to drive us on some occasions and long distance trips. He drove a lot and knew the roads better than us. However, on a few occasions, his attitude got to us when we were in his car. If he missed a turn or got lost on the way, he got mad at himself. He rarely asked for directions, and did not want any advice. Sometimes he drove ahead instead of returning to where he should turn. He wasted time and gas in driving round and round trying to come up with his way of getting there. If we said anything, he would answer sternly, "Who's driving? Is that you or me?"
His father was angry at his behavior. I said, "As a son, you cannot talk to your parents like that. Where is the respect?" He said, "It has nothing to do with respect. I respect you and Dad. But, I just don't want any advice right now."
His "who's driving" attitude also extended to other area of his life. After he graduated from the university, he always wanted to fight with time. He said, "When I lived on campus, many of my friends partied all night. I wanted to go to parties like them, but, I had to work and study. Now I have a job, I will make up for the lost time." He stayed up late into the night hanging out with his friends or watching TV. When we talked to him, he said, "I work hard. I pay my bills on time. I take care of my responsibilities. It is my life. I can live the way I want to."
When I connected what happened on that day to our son's "Who's driving", I realized it was true that each one of us was the driver of our own car. In my dreams, cars were symbolic to the vehicles (forms or bodies) we took on to live a physical life. In other words, each one of us was in the driver seat of our own life.
On that day, I had given my husband some suggestions. As the driver of his car, he had made his own decisions as how he wanted to drive home. With his decisions, it took us a long time to arrive home, but, we got home anyway. I was at peace because I recognized he was driving or he was the driver of his car. With regard to our son, I respected his decisions most of the times, but as a mother, sometimes I worried about him. I wished he would listen to me. When I had the aha moment, I understood I had to fully recognize the fact that he was in charge of his life. I might voice my opinions, but I should let go of my concerns / worries. It was his life, and he was responsible for his decisions.
We were all passengers or bystanders on other people's life paths. We might render our opinion / comment / advice. However, it was up to others if they wanted to accept or ignore what we said. Other people played the same roles in our life. We were all responsible for the decisions we made. After the understanding, I was able to release some of the unease that I felt in our past conflicts. My heart was filled with peace, and I smiled all the way home.
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As a child, our older son was very friendly, outgoing, giving, and generous. Other children liked to talk and play with him no matter where we went (e.g. park, mall and library). When he came home from preschool / kindergarten, he gladly gave all the candies and toys he got in class to his younger brother. In his teens, he was always willing to help others. One report card period, a subject he used to get A+ dropped a grade. Though I wondered why, I did not ask him to explain. I normally praised my sons or said some words of encouragement. Many days later, my son talked about one of his friends. He said his friend had been sick and could not go to class for a while. Days before the examination, my son gave his notebook to this friend and asked him to keep it until the examination was over.
He was a teenager when the challenging restaurant years began. The experience must have quite an effect on him. He helped as much as he could in the restaurant. He and his brother never asked for pay when they worked because they understood the situation. Later, he had a part time job after school. He willingly gave me his pay checks because he knew we struggled to pay the bills. I asked him to open an account so that he could save some money for college. But he did not. One day, he asked me for $200. I was worried becaused I did not understand why he needed $200. I gave it to him because it was in truth his money. He and his brother bought a small TV for us (their parents) so that we could watch television in the kitchen of the restaurant.
As a grown-up, those that did not know him well saw him as materialistic, shallow, and inconsiderate. In many ways, he had presented himself that way. One day in a class sponsored by the company, people were asked why they liked their jobs. My son raised his hand. He said, "I work here for the money." When he came home, he said, "Mom, why do people seem to be stunned by my answer? I am just being honest. We all work there because of money." I said to him, "Other people may see you as shallow and inconsiderate, but I know you are much deeper than that." He asked, "How is it so?"
One day at work, a coworker who came from another country brought her favorite ethnic food for everybody to try. Some declined to try, and those that tried showed they did not like it. Seeing how disappointed the coworker was, my son forced himself to finish his bowl of food. The coworker was overjoyed that there was one person that liked the food, and immediately refilled his bowl . . .
One year, a few days before the Thanksgiving Day, he told me his company did not give turkeys to the employees as they used to. I said it was fine. We could buy a turkey. He eventually let me know he lied. He had given the turkey to a shelter because a coworker told him a turkey might not mean much to those who could afford to buy one, but a turkey meal on Thanksgiving Day meant a lot to those that were homeless. I was very proud of him.
Some years ago, we lived in an apartment that did not allow pets. One night, his friend called to tell him that he and his fiancee found a stray pregnant cat in the parking lot of their apartment. They did not take her in for they already had a female cat. They were afraid the two cats might not get along. My son wanted to drive over there to check on the cat. It was almost 1 a.m., and it was cold. I said he should not go, but he left anyway. He came home many hours later. This was what happened. He found the cat. The cat was very friendly. She jumped inside his car. My son decided to let her stay in the car because it was very cold outside. The cat jumped on his lap, and they kept each other warm until the sun rose. It was no wonder he brought a stray kitten home years later. (Click to view my post A gift from Mei Mei and a blessing from the Divine )
His 'big words' or comments sometimes made people swayed their heads. It was understandable that some regarded him as naive. Despite of his words, he always gave his all at work. In situations where others might be discouraged, he held a positive outlook and forged forward. He often volunteered when others needed a ride or a helping hand in moving. Our sons did not have a car during the years they were in college. I understood why my older son had this idea of fighting with time to make up for the lost time. He did not talk much about his personal life and work. He was like that since he was young. I saw the other side of him through observation and the bits he shared with me. After hearing what I said, he was quiet for a while. From the expression on his face, I knew we had communicated on a deeper level. He was appreciative of what I said.
We are all interconnected. As members of a family, we are closely connected and each serves as a tool in the lessons we planned to learn.
With love and faith I share with you my experience. Good night!
Peace,
Q of D
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