Divine Grace and Mercy

Greetings!

In my last post Lord Buddha's talk on Earth Treasure Bodhisattva , I wrote that Lord Buddha's words accurately described the condition my husband was in.

"In the future, men or women may long be bedridden and in spite of their wishes be unable either to get well or die.  At night, they may dream of evil ghosts, or family and relatives, or of wandering on dangerous paths.  In numerous nightmares, they may roam with ghosts and spirits.  As days, months, and years go by, such people may weaken and waste away, cry out in pain in their sleep, and become progressively depressed and melancholy.  These things happen when the force of karma has not yet been determined, which makes it difficult for them to die and impossible for them to be cured."

My husband used to walk much faster than I was.  He was now weak and lack of energy.  However, he continued to go out for 1 1/2 to 2 hours.  We suggested for him to stay home and rest.  He would not listen.  He was exhausted when he returned home.  He lay on the bed, but could not sleep.  At night, if he ever fell asleep, he soon woke up from nightmares.  

One day, we told him we were going to make an appointment for him to see a doctor.  Again, he said for us not to worry that he would be well soon.  I said, "You always say you will be well soon.  Give us a date.  We shall make an appointment for you if you are not completely well by then."  Reluctantly, he gave us a date that was two weeks away.  That day came.  He angrily said he would not go even if we made an appointment.

A few days later, he and I were at the table.  With lack of energy, he often looked downward.  At one point, he raised his head, and we looked into each other's eyes.  His eyes were like that of a dying fish.  My heart ached.  I did not fear death, his or mine.  I had accepted it was his life, and it was up to him how to live his life.  However, seeing how he was, my heart was filled with compassion.  I decided to have a long talk with him.  

My husband was not a patient listener.  A long time ago I had noticed he sometimes subconsciously blocked out what others said.  For instance, his sister-in-law (his oldest brother's wife whom had been mean to him when he was a child) came to ask him to give them some of our furniture; after she left, I learned that he did not hear a word she said.  He was like that on a few other occasions.  After he practiced the moves according to the Chinese newspaper, he gradually became more and more distant toward us as well.  In the months before he moved on, it was hard to have a conversation with him except he was the one that initiated it.  When we talked to him, he looked at us as if he was listening; the second we paused, he went back to what he was doing (e.g. read the book); we might stop in the middle of a sentence, and he never cared to hear the rest.

We did not have a conversation that afternoon.  I was the only one that spoke.  I said, "You always say you will be healed soon.  Weeks and months have passed.  Be honest with yourself.  Do you feel any better?  Do you still believe the so-called master is going to heal you?"  He did not respond.  He just looked at me.  

I knew he held lots of discontent and disappointment within which were not only of others, but of himself too.  He was pretty fixated on his own views and his expectations of what others should do.  He did not realize his self-righteousness was the cause of irritations in his life.  (Re WHAT DO YOU HEAR? )

When sons were in their teens, my husband told me he longed to open a restaurant and buy a big house.  He said, "When sons grow up and get married, our sons, their wives, our grandchildren and us can live together as one big family."  I told him the world had changed long time ago; nowadays young people wanted to have their own space.  He said if he had lots of money, sons (and their families) would live with us.  (Some of us never regarded money as the most importance thing in life, but it was a waste of time to argue with those that thought it was.  As for a big household, I had seen conflicts when different families lived together.)  In later years, he was displeased because he held onto the old view that the younger generation should provide for their aging parents whom had raised them.     

Life is not all rosy, and it is meant to be.  Most of us felt discontent or disappointed to some degrees now and then, and I was of no exception.  Some of us eventually learned to let go, to look at it from a different perspective, or to handle the situation differently instead of letting it bother us.  It was true that To forgive is first and most of all for the good of ourselves .   

I had talked to him before, but it was hard for him to consider other people's opinions.  That afternoon I tried to address his dis-ease about life.  How sad it would be if he carried all of those emotions to the end of his days!

  

In a self-reflective approach, I talked to him about our sons from my perspective as a mother.  I said, "I felt blessed to be a mother.  Watching them grow brought me joy.  You made roasted ducks and other food they liked.  We wanted to keep them warm, and bought them good jackets that we never thought of buying for ourselves.  Most parents did what we did because we loved our children.  When we went through the challenging years, it was difficult for our sons too.  They helped in the restaurant, and did not ask for pay.  Later, our older son found an after-school job.  He gave us his paid check because he understood the situation we were in.  I was grateful, but you saw it as a betrayal.  Back then, the economy in our state had been very slow for years.  Many people lost their jobs, and moved to other states.  I understood you wanted to hold onto the restaurant.  You thought we were not supportive enough, but we had.  Sometimes we just had to let go of what did not work.  You felt you had failed, but we did not see you that way.  Both sons worked throughout college years.  One time I had to ask our younger son for help because we could not pay the bills.  Our older son formed this idea of 'fighting with time to make up for the lost time' because he could not afford to play and go to parties as his friends did." (Re Who's driving? )

As mentioned in my other posts, my mystical journey began in the last quarter of 1999.  By then I knew nothing about angels and guides.  In Dec. 2001 I finally had a phone reading by a known angel channel that lived in another state.  (Re Seeing the birds, I had no doubt that God had shown me the sign )  During the reading, my guides and angels confirmed selling the restaurant was the right choice; they wanted me to go among people without delay; my husband was indeed a good cook, and should not feel he had failed; many restaurants would seek his help afterward.  I was surprised they said the restaurant venture was not destined to fail; it could have been very successful, but we had chosen the wrong location.  What they said was true.  We had looked at many different locations.  I liked three other locations, but my husband disagreed with me.  I saw many red flags in the location that he liked, but he said I knew nothing about restaurant business.  We ended up having lots of problems before and after we opened the restaurant which in some ways was like an unimaginable nightmare.  (I can laugh about it now.  Please know that no matter how dark the situation may seem to be, it will all come to pass.)  In the restaurant years, a few of my husband's friends came to visit sometimes.  They happened to talk about restaurants that had opened in the locations that I liked.  All the restaurants had very good business.  (My husband's friends did not know the story.  They just happened to talk about it.  My husband's face darkened as he listened.)  Life is like a tree that has many branches, every branch is a different journey / experience, and some branches bear more fruit than the others.  We may view our experience as good or bad; however, every experience may have served us in a way that our human mind may not be able to recognize its value.  (An excerpt from Edgar Cayce reading 254 - Through irritation, the soul often grows - just like the pearl.  As long as that manifested by the individual stays pure, little harm may come." 

After we moved back to the state, my husband had urged me to talk to sons about money because his social security income was minimal.  I refused to.  I loved as my heart guided me to.  I never felt my sons owed me anything.  My husband assumed they had good income, and should be responsible for us.  The cost of living now was way more than it was when we raised our sons.  My younger son worked to provide for a family of 5 which was not an easy task.  My older son sometimes asked me to double check his tax return before he filed it online.  I noticed he had to pay part of his health insurance and dental insurance.  State income tax, federal income tax, and money withheld for social security accounted for a big chunk of his income.  The auto insurance in our state was the highest among all states.  After paying for all the necessities such as rent, utilities, his car payment, gas, auto insurance, phone bill and the Internet, there was not much money left for him to hang out with his girlfriend and friends.  As a mother, all I ever wanted for my loved ones was for them to be happy, healthy, and well.  I was proud of sons that they worked hard and stood on their own.  I told my husband, "I don't want to talk to sons about money as long as I can manage with the little income we have."  Our older son sometimes asked if I needed money.  I told me I would let him know if I ever needed money.   

I also talked about the issue of respect.  My husband easily got upset when people did not show him the respect as he had expected.  After the restaurant years, sometimes he thought others including relatives did not treat him with respect because he had no money (or was not rich).  I said, "You know I have been sensitive to people's emotion since I was young.  At times I can feel he or she looks down on me while I sit among other people. Oftentimes, I let it be because their opinion of me is their business, and I have no control over how others choose to treat me.  I stand in my truth, and know that what matters the most is I do not look down on myself.  In time, some change their view of me, and we become friends.  Don't let other people's words or demeanor bother you.  Sometimes we do have to stand up for ourselves, and let others know how we feel."

After I finished talking, he looked downward for a while.  Then he said, "Make a doctor's appointment for me."  I called some clinics nearby, and most said the earliest appointment was a few weeks away.  I made an appointment with a clinic where a doctor would see him in about a week.

One day I drove to stores to buy grocery.  When I was home, my son seemed to be somewhat happy.  (Our older son lived with us.  His father was in the bedroom with the door closed.)  He said, "Dad had a talk with me while you were out shopping.  He is actually proud of me!  He is proud of XXXX too (his younger brother / our younger son)!"  He went on to tell me what his father said.  I was surprised.  What my husband said about sons was what I said to him the other day.  In my heart, I wondered if he was finally more at peace with life.  My son said, "Dad said part of him wanted to die, yet part of him wanted to live.  Why did Dad say that?  Doesn't everybody want to live?" With his warrior mentality, it was hard for him to understand that his father was really weary of life.  Then I learned his father asked him to quit his job and find another job that would pay him at least $200,000; he also asked son to buy a house for me, it must be a new house, and it must be over $300,000.  My son tried to explain he would not quit his job.  His father would not listen, and went back to the bedroom.  My husband was out of touch of the reality.  (According to online data, the average income of our state is close to $50,000, and only 8% earn $200,000 or more.)

Two days later, I went to join a spiritual gathering.  Only a few people were there.  As soon as I entered, powerful energy filled me / surrounded me.  Whenever this happened, I often let myself bathed in the energy instead of paying attention to what the speaker / facilitator said.  Months after my husband passed away, I watched the video on YouTube.  It was then I realized the message was right on about the situation with my husband.  For examples, "We do not have the ability to change anyone else's reality.  We don't have the ability to shift their perception how they feel, what decisions they are going to make . . . if we take it on ourselves for others, we are not doing our service justice."  After a break was the healing session.  Again, I was in a powerful field of energy.  Afterward, the clairvoyance healer said she saw five spirit guides surrounded one person.  She was deeply touched by their love for that person.  

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At the clinic, the doctor said my husband's blood pressure and heart beat were normal.  We were relieved to hear that.  The technician drew blood from my husband for analysis.  Since my husband's abdomen was abnormally bloated, the doctor said he needed to go to a hospital for scans to find out what was wrong.  However, we must wait for a green letter which would probably arrive in a few days.  The letter would let us know which hospital to go to, and we must bring the letter with us to the hospital.

My husband seemed to be more upbeat than he had been.  He asked the doctor for medicine to heal him.  The young doctor said, "Sorry, we don't have a miracle pill."  The clinic scheduled the next appointment that was about a month later; they assumed they would have received the results of the scans at that time.

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Several days later, I called the clinic because we had not received the letter.  I was told it would probably take about a week to 10 days.  Meanwhile, I could see my husband's condition was getting worse and worse.  On the 10th day, I told my son to call the clinic about the letter and asked if the doctor could see him as soon as possible.  The doctor said she could see him the next day.  One minute, my husband, our son and I were feeling hopeful that the doctor would see him the next day; the next minute, everything fell apart.  Later that afternoon, we heard the loudest sound of explosion that came from within my husband's body.  My husband clutched his chest in extreme pain, and liquid poured out of his mouth.  He hinted for us to carry him to the bathroom, and later onto the bed.  My son called the clinic, and was told to call 911.  My son went outside to wait for the ambulance.  

My husband continued to cry out in pain on the bed.  All of a sudden, powerful, powerful energy flowed into my head from above.  My right hand was raised about 2 feet above his chest, and energy poured into him.  My husband stopped crying in pain.  For a brief while, he lay there peacefully.  Then I saw my husband slightly tilted his head backward looking at the space above and somewhat behind him.  He weakly asked, "Is it time for me to leave?"  Still looking at that space, he said in a resigned voice, "Ok . . ."  All the while, I was like a generator of electricity.  I had to breathe fast and deep to keep up with the flow of energy.  I saw him slightly rose from the bed, and then dropped back onto the bed.  The light in his eyes was gone, but his eyes remained open.  I knew his spirit had left.  I wondered aloud in my mind, "Why?  Why?  Why now?"  (i.e. Why healing energy came now and not earlier)  The energy continued to pour into his body until the emergency personnel arrived.  They tried to see if he still had a heart beat.  It took quite a while until one said there was a heart beat, but it was barely audible.  We were told to follow the ambulance in our car.  However, the ambulance did not move.  After a while, we were told it was because they had to revive his heart again and again.  

At the hospital, we were led to wait in a small room.  Later, our younger son arrived.  A doctor walked in.  He hinted for us to say our last goodbye, and led us to where my husband was.  For quite some time (I did not know how long), my older son repeatedly asked the doctor to revive his father's heart.  The doctor and nurses complied because they understood.  My older son rarely cried.  That night he cried and was very emotional.  I realized why the energy came at that very moment in the apartment.  It would have been a devastating blow to our older son if his father was pronounced dead back then.  Furthermore, the extra time allowed our younger son to come to the hospital.  My heart was filled with gratitude for the divine grace and mercy.  I found myself enveloped in peace.  I knew some eyes were on me that night because of the different reactions from a wife and a son.  (Another example of not to judge because of what we see!)  At the end, the doctor put his hand on my son's shoulders, and told him the truth.  My son looked at me and said, "Mom, I have tried . . . I have tried . . .I have tried to keep Dad alive."  When we walked out of the hospital, it was past mid-night.

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I continued to recite Lord Buddha's talk on Earth Treasure Bodhisattva every morning.  I prayed that my husband would come into our older son's dream to let him know that he was alright.  On the 8th day, my son dreamed of his father.  We were glad he was alright.  (see my posts published in March and April of 2022)

We received the green letter / envelope a month and 3 days after my husband had passed away.  

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While I was with the small church, I participated in the Quarterly Healing Service.  One time when the service was over, a friend who was a medium joyfully said to me in front of others, "I know it! I know it!  Today is your victorious day!  Many in the spirit world are talking about you.  You are famous in the spirit world!  They are excited that you have come!"  I was embarrassed and unhappy to hear that.  I did not want to hear 'today is your victorious day'.  I just wanted to serve quietly.  There was already some sort of misunderstanding that a few thought that I regarded myself as powerful or more powerful than others.  A friend seeing the expression on my face said, "She (the medium) does not understand you."  My heart was somewhat heavy when I walked out of church that day.  It might be I  foresaw what was to come.  (Re COOPERATION and the human drama of misunderstanding and The rest of the story about the drama of misunderstanding )  

I did not understand why the friend (the medium) said the spirit world was talking about me.  What had I got to do with the spirit world?  

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August is here.  Sorry, it takes me a long time to finish a post.  

Now I am going to focus on my next post to honor Lord Buddha and Earth Treasure Bodhisattva. ( Honoring Lord Buddha and Earth Treasure Bodhisattva )

Love and Blessings,

Q of D

P. S.  These two posts are about expectations He asked, "We all have expectations . . ."  and In Faith and Trust, I AM