Expectations, Total Disappointment, and The Three Tests

Greetings!

While looking through the plastic totes for the transcript (Re As we give, we also receive ), I saw an old notebook turned to a page that I had marked 5 stars on the top indicating either a profound experience or a very interesting dream.  

The 5 stars profound experience took place in the early hours of April 13, 2005.  

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Early 2005, I learned from a spiritual magazine that a known spiritual teacher and a famous medium would be coming to our state to host an event in April.  I had read their books, and found their stories fascinating.  I had never gone to any public spiritual event like that before.  I thought how exciting it would be if I could go, but the ticket price was too expensive.  It might be I had never spent much money on myself or for my own needs / wants.  Besides, it was not near where I lived, and I did not know how to drive there by myself.  Above all, I could not register online because I did not have a credit / debit card (at the time).

Weeks later in a conversation with my younger son, I mentioned the event.  He asked if I wanted to go.  I said it was too expensive.  He said he would go with me.  He said I should not be concerned about money - it was only a one time expense because we did not go to this kind of events all the time.  (His words are always assuring and wise! 😊😊)  I said I would think about it.  I did not give him a firm answer because I knew he was not interested in the event as I did.  Was it worth going since we would be paying for two tickets instead of one?  In the days / weeks that followed, I prayed for an answer if we should or should not go.

Before I went to sleep on March 1, 2005, I thought it would be nice if I could go to the event.  With that thought in mind, I had a hard time of falling asleep.

The next morning (Mar. 2, 2005) I watched the Sylvia Browne on Montel Williams TV show.  Later, I decided to go to my bedroom to make up for the lack of sleep.  For a while, I sat on bed chanting.  I sent love to God / the Holy Spirit, all loving angels and guides, and my loved ones.  I felt my whole being was vibrating and energized.  Afterward, I lay in bed.  I thought how nice it would be if I could win some money and go to the event with both of my sons.  If my mother's spirit came through during the event, it could be a transformative experience for them.  Then this thought came - "in this life, I will walk on earth and live my life as an earth angel to bring peace, comfort and healing to the others."  Right afterward, I found myself rose from bed and pressed the radio button.

           

           The music 'Night Vision - Pieces of a Dream' started !!!!!

It was the music that I had proclaimed years ago as the link between the Divine and me!  The music started right at the touch of the button, not before or after the music had begun!  My whole being was filled with awe.  There were no words to express how wonderful, how grateful, and how blessed I felt.  What a confirmation from the Loving Divine of my intention to be of service! (Please view Night Vision - Pieces of A Dream - An Incredible Phenomenon )  Later, the date 'March 10' came to my mind.  I took it as my younger son would register before or by that date if we were supposed to attend the event.

On March 10, my younger son told me he would go to the event with me.  He asked his brother if he wanted to go too.  My older son said, "Yes, I will go with you and Mom."  They said it was their gift for me.  I stood there in awe of what had happened.  He went online to register for the event.  On March 25, we received the tickets to the event. 

With everything all set, I began to envision what I wished to happen during the event.  I hoped to get a reading by the medium.  Would my dear mother come through?  I thought about the relatives that were now on the other side such as my grandfathers (paternal and maternal).  I was excited the spiritual teacher came to our state.  I had not met him before.  I hoped to have a chance to talk to him.  (There was a personal reason I wanted to talk to him.)  

On the day of the April event, I was awakened during my sleep to see 4:44 a.m.  (444 means the Power of God's Love)  I took it as a confirmation that something special was going to happen!

With high expectations, I went to the event.  I sat inside the car with gratitude - grateful to the Divine as well as to my sons who accompanied me.  I expected the ride and in fact everything would go smoothly.  After all, my younger son did it on his own to register online on March 10.  Going to the event with my sons must be in divine order, I thought.  And, seeing 4:44 a.m. on the day of the event was a confirmation!

My younger son had looked up the directions online.  (At the time, we did not have a GPS device.)  We left our apartment early because we did not want to be late.  However, there was a lot of traffic.  I recalled we might have missed a turn.  To put a long story short, we walked into the auditorium just minutes before the speaker came on the stage; the place was packed with thousands of people (that was my guess), and the only seats that were available were at the end of the auditorium (i.e. by the back wall of the auditorium)!  It was a huge auditorium.  From where I sat, I could barely see the stage.  The spiritual teacher talked for quite some time.  Then he said he was going to guide us into an exercise.  I began to cough hard.  I went to the restroom until I stopped coughing.  When I came back, the lecture / the first half of the event was over.  Of course, later I was not among the few that received readings from the medium.  What the teacher and the medium taught were nothing new to me because I had read their books.  On the way home, I was quiet.  I was deeply disappointed at how things had unfolded.  I believed sons suggested for us to eat at a restaurant, and I said 'no'.  It was my fault that we spent hundred of dollars for nothing, I thought.      

Earlier that month, I had experienced some disappointment in another matter.  After the event, I was in a state of total disappointment.  Everything that led up to the event seemed to be divinely planned!  I did not sleep well at night.  The next day I slept until almost noon.  Later in the afternoon my husband and I went shopping for grocery.  In the car, words seemed to come to me, but I refused to listen.  I turned on the CD player, and sang the song.  I looked at the scenery outside.  Suddenly, my head turned to look at the time inside the car.  It was 4:44 p.m.!  I practically stopped singing right there.  I took a deep breath.  444 the Power of God's Love . . . . but I did not know what to think of all of these.  

At night I spent my time watching TV.   At one point, I thought other people needed to hear the messages from the medium more than me.  It was true.  Though I sat far from the stage, I could hear the pain in the voices of the few that were chosen by the medium.  The messages delivered by the medium brought them comfort and healing.  I recalled feeling happy for those that received messages.  With this thought, I calmed down somewhat.  However, I still felt frustrated and disappointed.  The whole thing was like a set up.  I was emotionally hyped because all that happened before the event, and I fell down hard afterward.  

When I went to bed, I still did not want to pray or talk to my guides and angels.  I rarely had dreams of anger.  In the morning of April 12, I actually woke up from a dream in which I yelled at other people.  The energy above and around my head vibrated throughout the day.  At times the vibration was intense.  I got it there was a lesson for me to learn.  Below was what I wrote down on my journal before I went to sleep.

Angels and guides, any words from you.  

Was I wrong to have expectations?

Oh, never mind.  I am going to sleep.  As I said, if nothing happened, I would drop the whole thing ***.  I am not going to waste my energy on it.  

I have enough of this.

Good Night.

(*** i.e. stopped searching for the truth regarding the message I received in the last quarter of 1999 and the questions I had after the 2001 reading by the known angel channel)  

I could laugh at myself now 😁😁😁 as I read my journal.  I was upset because it did not unfold as I had hoped.  I was an ordinary person like most of you, and had gone through many life lessons.  

It takes me a long time to learn how true it is that my guide said 'you can be happy no matter what' and You feel pain because you let pain be . Emotions are part of a physical life, and it is important for us to take responsibility of our own emotional wellbeing.  

In the early hours of April 13, 2005, I tried to not think about anything.  The harder I tried not to think, the harder for me to fall asleep.  Soon it was 4 a.m.  (My husband was practicing the moves downstairs.)  I said in my heart I would not pray or turn on the light to read a book.  (Both I would normally do when I could not sleep.)  

I sighed.  I pulled the blanket over my head.  Immediately, I felt something was happening.  I asked, "What is happening to me?"  I seemed to be dissolving or being absorbed by other force.  I felt my body or boundary no longer existed.  In this shock, I found I was not in fear!  In a calm and firm manner, I telepathically said, "I believe in the all loving God."  I saw an eye.  Then the force that tried to absorb me vanished.

Before I could recover from the first incident, I was in another state.  I found my whole being was expanding and expanding.  Again, I asked, "What is happening to me?"  I thought I might be leaving my body for an astral journey or that was how one felt when one was about to go on an astral travel.  I felt my being was about to explode.  I also felt the presence of a force, and understood that force was the cause of what was taking place.  Again, I had no fear.  I firmly stated "I believe in the loving God."  I kept repeating what I believed in.  The force that caused me to almost explode vanished.  I was back to myself. 

I pulled the blanket aside.   Widely awoke, I knew I was not dreaming.  I went over my experience. I could still recall the 'terrible' state I was in when I felt my body was dissolving.  I marveled at how firm and sure that I calmly stated "I believe in the all loving God."  When I soon found myself expanding and about to explode, my first response was shock.  Right then, I said what I believed in.  I was calm and peaceful.  

So there I was, laying on bed widely awoke with my eyes closed, recalled what had just happened.  Then I had the third experience of the night.

In my mind eye, my husband wearing all white climbed onto the bed.  He wanted to . . ., and I refused to submit to him.  He madly yelled at me saying something like "you are my wife!  How dare you . . ."  The man in white looked very fierce as if he was really going to get me.  Again, I was calm and peaceful.  I firmly stated "I believe in God, the all loving God.  The god you believe in is not the loving force.  That is why I will not let you."  As soon as I said that, he vanished.  I understood the man was the evil force disguised as my husband.  

Still with my eyes closed, I got the understanding that I had passed 3 tests.  I was proud that the faith of the real / true me was (is) as should be - sure, firm, and never wavered.  I also got it with my eyes closed that the time on the clock was 4:42 a.m. turning to 4:43 a.m.  I opened my eyes, and rushed to see the time.  It was 4:43 a.m.  My heart was filled with awe.  I said, "God, angels, and guides, you used to wake me up at 4:44 a.m.  Tonight I am going to watch the time turns to 4:44 a.m.  I am open to receive the Power of God's Love."  After seeing 4:44 a.m., I lay down and fell asleep.

Something interesting happened later that night too.  

My younger son and I were talking by the dining table in the kitchen.  My husband was in the family room.  There was a wall that separated the kitchen area and the family room.  My husband asked, "Why do you leave the TV on Ch. 4?  Shouldn't you be watching American Idol on Ch. 2?"  Earlier, I had watched part of American Idol; when commercial came on, I turned to watch Alias on Ch. 7.  In other words, I had been watching both Ch. 2 and Ch. 7.  (Yes, I live a pretty ordinary / normal life.)  When I went to the kitchen, I must have accidentally left the TV on Ch. 4.  I told my husband to simply turn to Ch. 2 if he wanted to watch American Idol.  Soon he asked why I left the TV on Ch. 4 again.  I told him to turn to Ch. 2 if he wanted to watch American Idol.  Not long after, he asked me the same question again.  So I walked over to the family room with the intention to turn the TV to Ch. 2.  I did not change the channel.  On the TV was a talk about Dan Brown's book.  It was said Jesus and Mary of Magdalene had a daughter.  I realized it did not happen by accident that Ch. 4 was on.  That night I lay in bed wondering if I would ever get some answers to my questions.  I knew my search for truth or answers would continue.  (Please view my post  If we love Jesus, how can we slight the one he loves the most and you will understand why I realized the Ch. 4 incident did not happen by accident. )  

All of these happened on April 13, 2005.  The number 13 was (is) a significant number on my spiritual journey.  For instance, on June 13, 2009 I got the answers that I had been looking for from a book which was confirmed in a channeled reading a few years later.  (Re Sometimes I never know how a day is going to be )  On June 13, 2016 I signed up for Meetup, and had since joined many interesting zoom meetings.  There were many people with special gifts and abilities.  It was amazing to listen to their stories.

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2005 was one of the important years on my spiritual journey.  On Sundays from late Feb. to March, 2005, I stepped outside of my family to sit among hundreds of peoples for the very first time.  On March 20, 2005, I delivered a copy of the words of Christ to the pastor and left.  (Re Words of Christ and the 4444 Incident - Part 2 )  On May 26, 2005 I joined the Thursday Circle.  In 2005 my husband continued to spend lots of hours in practicing the moves, and did not look well.  I was quite worried about him.  It was by divine grace that I received love and support from my friends at the circle.

Many Blessings,

Q of D

FYI - I might have a connection with Mary the Magdalene, but I was not her or her daughter. 

In a loud, menacing voice, he said, "Do you want to have . . ?"

Greetings!

In a store, a woman was greatly alarmed when she heard a man's loud, menacing voice.  She looked in the direction where the voice seemed to come from.  She could see nothing because the display stand of magazines and newspapers blocked her view.  She was second in line at the checkout lane.

She looked back at the one who stood a few feet behind her.  It was an Asian woman, and she was looking at the direction where the voice came from.  To her surprise, the Asian woman was all smiles as if she saw something joyful.  When the Asian woman turned to look at her, she could not help but asked, "What happened?"

A man in his 60 s lined up behind the Asian woman.  The man used an electric shopping cart / motorized shopping cart.  He stayed about 6 feet behind the Asian woman leaving enough space for other people to walk through.  Suddenly, another man who also used an electric shopping cart rushed through the space to the other side of the store.  It caused a little disturbance because this man was driving the electric shopping cart at a speed that was not supposed to.  It kind of startled the Asian woman as well as the man behind her.  The man that rushed past stopped near the self-checkout area which was about 80 feet away.  The man behind the Asian woman turned his electric shopping cart and headed toward that man.  As he came close to the other man, he said in a loud, menacing voice, "Do you want to have a race with me?"  Obviously, the other man did not expect this at all.  (In that very moment, he probably realized he should not have rushed past others in a store as he did.)  Before he could react, the man that caught up with him burst out laughing, and gave him a pat on the back.  Realizing the man meant no harm and was joking with him, he burst out laughing too.  Afterward, they talked to each other like friends.

After listening to the story, the woman smiled.  She said, "We all need a little humor here and there in life."  The Asian woman smiled and nodded in agreement.

We all need a little humor here and there in life.  How we choose to handle each situation matters.

Love and Peace,

Q of D

Honoring Lord Buddha And Earth Treasure Bodhisattva

Greetings!

After my husband moved on, I prayed that he appeared in our older son's dream to let him know that he was alright.  He did.  On the 8th day since his passing, he came into son's dream looking fine as he was before he got sick.  Nine days later, my son dreamed of him again.  He was surprised to see his father looked young with a full head of black hair exactly as he remembered him when he was a boy.  He said, "Mom, if this happens in life, Dad needs to spend a lot of money to make himself look like that!"  I told him I was not surprised because I had learned that we all looked in our 20 s or 30 s on the other side; they might choose the image they preferred, young or old, when they appeared in our dreams.  (Re The Dream on Day 8, and more dreams afterward )

It was not a coincidence that I spotted the notebook with Lord Buddha's talk on Earth Treasure Bodhisattva in the big storage tote that day in July, 2021.  After I read (or re-read) what I had copied down, I decided to recite the talk three times every morning.  Most mornings I could only recite it silently.  My son worked from home.  I also did not want to recite aloud when my husband was home because I did not want to draw any negative emotion.  Luckily, with his job, my son sometimes had to go to different plants.  On the mornings that I was the only one in the apartment, I felt the joy of being alone and free.  I recited Buddha's talk with full dedication.  The air around me was different.  It was sacred and still.    

In March 2022, I decided to join a spiritual gathering.  It was the first time in months (or since my husband's passing) that I went to an in-person event.  As expected, only a few people had come.  People could watch online from their home.  There were a lot of empty chairs.  As usual, I talked to my guides and angels in the early hours before I went to any spiritual event.  I  invited all the Ascended Beings / groups of different dimensions that I had come to know to be there with me.  I thanked Lord Buddha, Earth Treasure Bodhisattva, and Quan Yin for helping my husband.  I invited them to be with all of us in the gathering.

I had mentioned in my other posts that a wonderful channel delivered messages from Galactic Beings and Ascended Beings in the first half of the gathering.  Then two healers (one was clairvoyant) facilitated the second half of the gathering.  When the session was over, the clairvoyant healer said, "Every one of the chairs were full of spirits; the back wall was filled with spirits.  It was absolutely incredible!  And, everyone that was in this room was surrounded by spirits.  It was just absolutely beautiful!  A lot of negative karma came out from the camera area until all of a sudden it changed to green which was like a healing coming from the whole back wall that was filled with spirits . . . . and they sent the green energy to (the other healer) and he sent the energy back to the spirits . . . ."  ( The camera was placed near the back wall in the center of the room.)

I recalled I sat there listening to the clairvoyant healer described what she saw.  My heart was filled with gratitude.  I kept thanking Lord Buddha, Earth Treasure Bodhisattva, Quan Yin and all the Loving Awakened Ones that were with us.  Thank you, thank you, thank you . . . .

I had been going to their gatherings for some years, but nothing like that had happened before.  The healing was always about the people that came and those that watched from home.  

The video is on YouTube.  I choose not to put a link here.  

I recalled one day this message came through the channel - what could channel through was not mainly because of the channel, it had much to do with those that were present.  (Sorry, I could not remember the exact words 😊)  It was the same with healing.  What happened that day had much to do with the two facilitating healers, the spirits that chose to be healed, and people that were present / watched online.

I dedicate this post to honor Lord Buddha and Earth Treasure Bodhisattva for their love for humanity.  

Thank you!

Q of D

  

 

Divine Grace and Mercy

Greetings!

In my last post Lord Buddha's talk on Earth Treasure Bodhisattva , I wrote that Lord Buddha's words accurately described the condition my husband was in.

"In the future, men or women may long be bedridden and in spite of their wishes be unable either to get well or die.  At night, they may dream of evil ghosts, or family and relatives, or of wandering on dangerous paths.  In numerous nightmares, they may roam with ghosts and spirits.  As days, months, and years go by, such people may weaken and waste away, cry out in pain in their sleep, and become progressively depressed and melancholy.  These things happen when the force of karma has not yet been determined, which makes it difficult for them to die and impossible for them to be cured."

My husband used to walk much faster than I was.  He was now weak and lack of energy.  However, he continued to go out for 1 1/2 to 2 hours.  We suggested for him to stay home and rest.  He would not listen.  He was exhausted when he returned home.  He lay on the bed, but could not sleep.  At night, if he ever fell asleep, he soon woke up from nightmares.  

One day, we told him we were going to make an appointment for him to see a doctor.  Again, he said for us not to worry that he would be well soon.  I said, "You always say you will be well soon.  Give us a date.  We shall make an appointment for you if you are not completely well by then."  Reluctantly, he gave us a date that was two weeks away.  That day came.  He angrily said he would not go even if we made an appointment.

A few days later, he and I were at the table.  With lack of energy, he often looked downward.  At one point, he raised his head, and we looked into each other's eyes.  His eyes were like that of a dying fish.  My heart ached.  I did not fear death, his or mine.  I had accepted it was his life, and it was up to him how to live his life.  However, seeing how he was, my heart was filled with compassion.  I decided to have a long talk with him.  

My husband was not a patient listener.  A long time ago I had noticed he sometimes subconsciously blocked out what others said.  For instance, his sister-in-law (his oldest brother's wife whom had been mean to him when he was a child) came to ask him to give them some of our furniture; after she left, I learned that he did not hear a word she said.  He was like that on a few other occasions.  After he practiced the moves according to the Chinese newspaper, he gradually became more and more distant toward us as well.  In the months before he moved on, it was hard to have a conversation with him except he was the one that initiated it.  When we talked to him, he looked at us as if he was listening; the second we paused, he went back to what he was doing (e.g. read the book); we might stop in the middle of a sentence, and he never cared to hear the rest.

We did not have a conversation that afternoon.  I was the only one that spoke.  I said, "You always say you will be healed soon.  Weeks and months have passed.  Be honest with yourself.  Do you feel any better?  Do you still believe the so-called master is going to heal you?"  He did not respond.  He just looked at me.  

I knew he held lots of discontent and disappointment within which were not only of others, but of himself too.  He was pretty fixated on his own views and his expectations of what others should do.  He did not realize his self-righteousness was the cause of irritations in his life.  (Re WHAT DO YOU HEAR? )

When sons were in their teens, my husband told me he longed to open a restaurant and buy a big house.  He said, "When sons grow up and get married, our sons, their wives, our grandchildren and us can live together as one big family."  I told him the world had changed long time ago; nowadays young people wanted to have their own space.  He said if he had lots of money, sons (and their families) would live with us.  (Some of us never regarded money as the most importance thing in life, but it was a waste of time to argue with those that thought it was.  As for a big household, I had seen conflicts when different families lived together.)  In later years, he was displeased because he held onto the old view that the younger generation should provide for their aging parents whom had raised them.     

Life is not all rosy, and it is meant to be.  Most of us felt discontent or disappointed to some degrees now and then, and I was of no exception.  Some of us eventually learned to let go, to look at it from a different perspective, or to handle the situation differently instead of letting it bother us.  It was true that To forgive is first and most of all for the good of ourselves .   

I had talked to him before, but it was hard for him to consider other people's opinions.  That afternoon I tried to address his dis-ease about life.  How sad it would be if he carried all of those emotions to the end of his days!

  

In a self-reflective approach, I talked to him about our sons from my perspective as a mother.  I said, "I felt blessed to be a mother.  Watching them grow brought me joy.  You made roasted ducks and other food they liked.  We wanted to keep them warm, and bought them good jackets that we never thought of buying for ourselves.  Most parents did what we did because we loved our children.  When we went through the challenging years, it was difficult for our sons too.  They helped in the restaurant, and did not ask for pay.  Later, our older son found an after-school job.  He gave us his paid check because he understood the situation we were in.  I was grateful, but you saw it as a betrayal.  Back then, the economy in our state had been very slow for years.  Many people lost their jobs, and moved to other states.  I understood you wanted to hold onto the restaurant.  You thought we were not supportive enough, but we had.  Sometimes we just had to let go of what did not work.  You felt you had failed, but we did not see you that way.  Both sons worked throughout college years.  One time I had to ask our younger son for help because we could not pay the bills.  Our older son formed this idea of 'fighting with time to make up for the lost time' because he could not afford to play and go to parties as his friends did." (Re Who's driving? )

As mentioned in my other posts, my mystical journey began in the last quarter of 1999.  By then I knew nothing about angels and guides.  In Dec. 2001 I finally had a phone reading by a known angel channel that lived in another state.  (Re Seeing the birds, I had no doubt that God had shown me the sign )  During the reading, my guides and angels confirmed selling the restaurant was the right choice; they wanted me to go among people without delay; my husband was indeed a good cook, and should not feel he had failed; many restaurants would seek his help afterward.  I was surprised they said the restaurant venture was not destined to fail; it could have been very successful, but we had chosen the wrong location.  What they said was true.  We had looked at many different locations.  I liked three other locations, but my husband disagreed with me.  I saw many red flags in the location that he liked, but he said I knew nothing about restaurant business.  We ended up having lots of problems before and after we opened the restaurant which in some ways was like an unimaginable nightmare.  (I can laugh about it now.  Please know that no matter how dark the situation may seem to be, it will all come to pass.)  In the restaurant years, a few of my husband's friends came to visit sometimes.  They happened to talk about restaurants that had opened in the locations that I liked.  All the restaurants had very good business.  (My husband's friends did not know the story.  They just happened to talk about it.  My husband's face darkened as he listened.)  Life is like a tree that has many branches, every branch is a different journey / experience, and some branches bear more fruit than the others.  We may view our experience as good or bad; however, every experience may have served us in a way that our human mind may not be able to recognize its value.  (An excerpt from Edgar Cayce reading 254 - Through irritation, the soul often grows - just like the pearl.  As long as that manifested by the individual stays pure, little harm may come." 

After we moved back to the state, my husband had urged me to talk to sons about money because his social security income was minimal.  I refused to.  I loved as my heart guided me to.  I never felt my sons owed me anything.  My husband assumed they had good income, and should be responsible for us.  The cost of living now was way more than it was when we raised our sons.  My younger son worked to provide for a family of 5 which was not an easy task.  My older son sometimes asked me to double check his tax return before he filed it online.  I noticed he had to pay part of his health insurance and dental insurance.  State income tax, federal income tax, and money withheld for social security accounted for a big chunk of his income.  The auto insurance in our state was the highest among all states.  After paying for all the necessities such as rent, utilities, his car payment, gas, auto insurance, phone bill and the Internet, there was not much money left for him to hang out with his girlfriend and friends.  As a mother, all I ever wanted for my loved ones was for them to be happy, healthy, and well.  I was proud of sons that they worked hard and stood on their own.  I told my husband, "I don't want to talk to sons about money as long as I can manage with the little income we have."  Our older son sometimes asked if I needed money.  I told me I would let him know if I ever needed money.   

I also talked about the issue of respect.  My husband easily got upset when people did not show him the respect as he had expected.  After the restaurant years, sometimes he thought others including relatives did not treat him with respect because he had no money (or was not rich).  I said, "You know I have been sensitive to people's emotion since I was young.  At times I can feel he or she looks down on me while I sit among other people. Oftentimes, I let it be because their opinion of me is their business, and I have no control over how others choose to treat me.  I stand in my truth, and know that what matters the most is I do not look down on myself.  In time, some change their view of me, and we become friends.  Don't let other people's words or demeanor bother you.  Sometimes we do have to stand up for ourselves, and let others know how we feel."

After I finished talking, he looked downward for a while.  Then he said, "Make a doctor's appointment for me."  I called some clinics nearby, and most said the earliest appointment was a few weeks away.  I made an appointment with a clinic where a doctor would see him in about a week.

One day I drove to stores to buy grocery.  When I was home, my son seemed to be somewhat happy.  (Our older son lived with us.  His father was in the bedroom with the door closed.)  He said, "Dad had a talk with me while you were out shopping.  He is actually proud of me!  He is proud of XXXX too (his younger brother / our younger son)!"  He went on to tell me what his father said.  I was surprised.  What my husband said about sons was what I said to him the other day.  In my heart, I wondered if he was finally more at peace with life.  My son said, "Dad said part of him wanted to die, yet part of him wanted to live.  Why did Dad say that?  Doesn't everybody want to live?" With his warrior mentality, it was hard for him to understand that his father was really weary of life.  Then I learned his father asked him to quit his job and find another job that would pay him at least $200,000; he also asked son to buy a house for me, it must be a new house, and it must be over $300,000.  My son tried to explain he would not quit his job.  His father would not listen, and went back to the bedroom.  My husband was out of touch of the reality.  (According to online data, the average income of our state is close to $50,000, and only 8% earn $200,000 or more.)

Two days later, I went to join a spiritual gathering.  Only a few people were there.  As soon as I entered, powerful energy filled me / surrounded me.  Whenever this happened, I often let myself bathed in the energy instead of paying attention to what the speaker / facilitator said.  Months after my husband passed away, I watched the video on YouTube.  It was then I realized the message was right on about the situation with my husband.  For examples, "We do not have the ability to change anyone else's reality.  We don't have the ability to shift their perception how they feel, what decisions they are going to make . . . if we take it on ourselves for others, we are not doing our service justice."  After a break was the healing session.  Again, I was in a powerful field of energy.  Afterward, the clairvoyance healer said she saw five spirit guides surrounded one person.  She was deeply touched by their love for that person.  

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At the clinic, the doctor said my husband's blood pressure and heart beat were normal.  We were relieved to hear that.  The technician drew blood from my husband for analysis.  Since my husband's abdomen was abnormally bloated, the doctor said he needed to go to a hospital for scans to find out what was wrong.  However, we must wait for a green letter which would probably arrive in a few days.  The letter would let us know which hospital to go to, and we must bring the letter with us to the hospital.

My husband seemed to be more upbeat than he had been.  He asked the doctor for medicine to heal him.  The young doctor said, "Sorry, we don't have a miracle pill."  The clinic scheduled the next appointment that was about a month later; they assumed they would have received the results of the scans at that time.

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Several days later, I called the clinic because we had not received the letter.  I was told it would probably take about a week to 10 days.  Meanwhile, I could see my husband's condition was getting worse and worse.  On the 10th day, I told my son to call the clinic about the letter and asked if the doctor could see him as soon as possible.  The doctor said she could see him the next day.  One minute, my husband, our son and I were feeling hopeful that the doctor would see him the next day; the next minute, everything fell apart.  Later that afternoon, we heard the loudest sound of explosion that came from within my husband's body.  My husband clutched his chest in extreme pain, and liquid poured out of his mouth.  He hinted for us to carry him to the bathroom, and later onto the bed.  My son called the clinic, and was told to call 911.  My son went outside to wait for the ambulance.  

My husband continued to cry out in pain on the bed.  All of a sudden, powerful, powerful energy flowed into my head from above.  My right hand was raised about 2 feet above his chest, and energy poured into him.  My husband stopped crying in pain.  For a brief while, he lay there peacefully.  Then I saw my husband slightly tilted his head backward looking at the space above and somewhat behind him.  He weakly asked, "Is it time for me to leave?"  Still looking at that space, he said in a resigned voice, "Ok . . ."  All the while, I was like a generator of electricity.  I had to breathe fast and deep to keep up with the flow of energy.  I saw him slightly rose from the bed, and then dropped back onto the bed.  The light in his eyes was gone, but his eyes remained open.  I knew his spirit had left.  I wondered aloud in my mind, "Why?  Why?  Why now?"  (i.e. Why healing energy came now and not earlier)  The energy continued to pour into his body until the emergency personnel arrived.  They tried to see if he still had a heart beat.  It took quite a while until one said there was a heart beat, but it was barely audible.  We were told to follow the ambulance in our car.  However, the ambulance did not move.  After a while, we were told it was because they had to revive his heart again and again.  

At the hospital, we were led to wait in a small room.  Later, our younger son arrived.  A doctor walked in.  He hinted for us to say our last goodbye, and led us to where my husband was.  For quite some time (I did not know how long), my older son repeatedly asked the doctor to revive his father's heart.  The doctor and nurses complied because they understood.  My older son rarely cried.  That night he cried and was very emotional.  I realized why the energy came at that very moment in the apartment.  It would have been a devastating blow to our older son if his father was pronounced dead back then.  Furthermore, the extra time allowed our younger son to come to the hospital.  My heart was filled with gratitude for the divine grace and mercy.  I found myself enveloped in peace.  I knew some eyes were on me that night because of the different reactions from a wife and a son.  (Another example of not to judge because of what we see!)  At the end, the doctor put his hand on my son's shoulders, and told him the truth.  My son looked at me and said, "Mom, I have tried . . . I have tried . . .I have tried to keep Dad alive."  When we walked out of the hospital, it was past mid-night.

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I continued to recite Lord Buddha's talk on Earth Treasure Bodhisattva every morning.  I prayed that my husband would come into our older son's dream to let him know that he was alright.  On the 8th day, my son dreamed of his father.  We were glad he was alright.  (see my posts published in March and April of 2022)

We received the green letter / envelope a month and 3 days after my husband had passed away.  

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While I was with the small church, I participated in the Quarterly Healing Service.  One time when the service was over, a friend who was a medium joyfully said to me in front of others, "I know it! I know it!  Today is your victorious day!  Many in the spirit world are talking about you.  You are famous in the spirit world!  They are excited that you have come!"  I was embarrassed and unhappy to hear that.  I did not want to hear 'today is your victorious day'.  I just wanted to serve quietly.  There was already some sort of misunderstanding that a few thought that I regarded myself as powerful or more powerful than others.  A friend seeing the expression on my face said, "She (the medium) does not understand you."  My heart was somewhat heavy when I walked out of church that day.  It might be I  foresaw what was to come.  (Re COOPERATION and the human drama of misunderstanding and The rest of the story about the drama of misunderstanding )  

I did not understand why the friend (the medium) said the spirit world was talking about me.  What had I got to do with the spirit world?  

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August is here.  Sorry, it takes me a long time to finish a post.  

Now I am going to focus on my next post to honor Lord Buddha and Earth Treasure Bodhisattva. ( Honoring Lord Buddha and Earth Treasure Bodhisattva )

Love and Blessings,

Q of D

P. S.  These two posts are about expectations He asked, "We all have expectations . . ."  and In Faith and Trust, I AM